Humor Me

The Natural Life Cycle

2011-10-31T18:29:00.000-04:00

It's rare now days that you hear someone dying from old age. I'm being given the beautifully tragic honor of going through that exact journey with my grandma.

For 88 years old, her mind is sharp, her eyes are good and her hearing isn't too bad. However, her body is slowing, her energy is waning and her spirit is tired. And b/c her mind is sharp - she knows all too well that this is the next phase of her life cycle. And although scared and lonely, she is teaching me how handle this phase with certainty, dignity and grace.

The past two visits with my grandma have been extremely emotionally intense. She has me making notes as to who should get what, reviewing obituaries she likes, and last time we even picked out what she'd like to wear for her funeral. (see photo above for a sneak peak) And yet the past two visits of my grandma have been some of my favorite memories. She has served me the food she used to make me when I was little. Lunches of grilled cheese, coke, pringles and pickles have waited for me and she has spoiled me with apple salad and my favorite - rice pudding. We also have talked and laughed and I have listened and tried so hard to retain all the stories she has told me -stories about her childhood, my dad, her mom, my grandpa. Stories I've heard before and can only hope to hear again. Or at least to remember and share.

It's really hard watching someone you love come to terms with the fact that the next few years are going to encompass changes that no one wants to think about. She is talking about what will happen when she can't get in the bath by herself anymore, and what her options are for staying at home or going to a rest home. She is buying furniture b/c it will be helpful if she has a nurse stay at her house, she is making list of things to make sure we do to her house before we sell it. She knows that there are some things that are coming to an end and she is working with me to help make sure that she is in control of the process for as long as she is able.   And that's the tricky part for me.

I first met my Grandma Lee in August of '74. I was newborn. She was 51. In the days and years that followed, we grew to be fast friends. She wasn't just my grandma or my babysitter, she was and still is one of my best buddies. I have spent endless weekends at her house being cared for and spoiled and loved.   The fall of 2011 finds us at the ages of 37 and 88. My buddy has aged slowly under my nose for years. And in this past year her aging has quickened and now it is my job to make sure she feels cared for - and spoiled - and loved.

When my father passed my mom mourned hard for the first 2-3 years. She missed the security my father had provided. She missed him being her rock, her support. On Friday it will mark seven years since my father has passed, and this is the hardest I've seen my grandma mourning for him. She misses the security he would have been during this phase of her life. In her aging, he was supposed to be her rock - her support. I feel my dad when I'm with my grandma. Sometimes I can see him in her and often I can hear him. I keep telling her that I listen for his voice and guidance and as much as I miss him too, I promise I will try to guide her the way he would have. And I do. And she knows that and she trusts me.   She said she never imagined going through this without him, little does she know - neither did I.

We sat around on Saturday talking and she had me reach for a piece of paper with a bunch of names and numbers. At first I thought she wanted me to update her cell phone with numbers, but as she had me read them and she started to tell me who they were and what connection, I realized she had made a list of people for me to notify when she passed. I joked of how it was a small town and she knew everyone so I was certain the word would spread fast. She said she just didn't know many people any more - that all her family and friends has passed. And then she pulled out a box and opened it and said, "all my friends are in this box".

The box easily contains 200 funeral cards of people that have passed before her. They were of family and classmates, neighbors, church members, and so many other connections that I couldn't even grasp. She said when she'd get home from a service she'd put the card in a box and one day she realized she knew more people in the box then in real life. We sat and I picked through them asking her about some and reflecting on some of the passings I'd been around for. I asked her if she wanted me to make a display of them at her funeral and she insisted I didn't. But I talked her into letting me organize them for her. There are so many memories and love and laughter and life living in that box, that I just couldn't put them down.   The irony to me that day was that I was leaving Gram's house to head to Troy to have dinner with 5 of my friends I've known for 30+ years.   My friends and I, as CD's dad says, are in our "building phase". We are talking still of marriages and children and homes and businesses - we still have our people in person form - not in paper.

My gram doesn't have cancer, she doesn't have Alzheimer's, she hasn't had a stroke - and she could very well live for another 12 years or more. But she knows her "life" phase is slowly closing - and that soon others will have to care for her. She sees my Gram H a shell of a person. Non coherent for years and she doesn't want to be stuck in a body that knows no life. She is ready to go home. She wants to see her mom, and her husband, her son and her friends. She is ready and although she says she has no worries there is sadness in her eyes and I know she is 88 years lonely.

The beauty in being a part of her journey is that she is sharing it with me. If she died tomorrow, I would know that she is ok with that, and in turn so would I. We have been blessed to share a complete life together from infancy to aging and to death always loving each other and being buddies but taking turns taking care of each other.

My Perfect Day

2011-09-11T21:09:00.001-04:00

I have this day in my head that I'm sure I can make happen. It's not that I'm trying to recreate our wedding day, or I'm hoping to win the lottery. I just want a day where I do all those things that I know if I do will make me happy. It's simple. It's attainable. It's perfect.

1. Wake up early. Get out of bed with some sort of joy in my heart.
2. Floss.
3. Kiss CD on the cheek and head down stairs.
4. Make coffee.
5. Head down more stairs, turn on Morning Joe, stretch and work out.
6. Head up stairs and outside and grab the paper.
7. Read the paper, drink my coffee.
8. Head up stairs. Kiss CD on the cheek.
9. Take a shower.
10. Brush/Mouthwash.
11. Get dressed.
12. Head downstairs, pack a lunch for work.
13. Leave for work.
14. Have a focused & efficient day of work, including 30 mins of dedicated time spent with planner.
15. Leave work at set time, stop on way home & get necessary groceries.
16. Cook Dinner.
17. Kiss CD and catch up with our day.
18. Hot tub.
19. Tea or Cider or Wine (depending on night!)
20. A snippet of ESPN/MSNBC.
21. Floss/Brush/Mouthwash
22. Ask CD what the best part of her day was.
23. Go to bed with some sort of appreciation and gratitude in my heart.
24. Say my prayers.
25. Sleep.

At no point in this day am I worried about the things that keep me from my day. I don't worry about who is on facebook, I don't worry about the fact that I may be behind at work, and I don't fret what the week will hold. Instead, I am grateful that I'm blessed enough to be given the life that let's me attain my perfect day. I am not in need of food or shelter or courage. I am not struggling to survive. I am not in need of love. I am able. I am determined. But most importantly, I am blessed.

Tomorrow we wake up early and head back to A2. Tuesday, I set out to have my perfect day. The first of many to come.

To Thine 37 Year Old Self Be True

2011-08-03T07:50:00.007-04:00

As my birthday slowly marches toward me and I'm left asking the question, "Am I really going to be 37", I pause to celebrate that YES! I really am going to be 37.

It's kind of hard to say b/c it doesn't sound right, and it's hard to believe b/c it doesn't feel right. My brain starts doing its baseline calculations: It's been 7 years since dad died. It's been 13 years since I moved to Chicago. It's been 15 years since I've graduated from college - 19 years since high school. 19 years since high school? I start to ask myself, "who is this old woman that is typing this post? "

Yet even as the thoughts that accompany age float in and out of my head (am I too old to have kids, I HAVE to get healthy, when is my next hair appointment to hide these grays, if I'm 37 how old does that make Apple, how come I still want to watch cartoons) - they seem to be met with the perfect storm of growth, perspective and appreciation.

I will say that my one worry about getting older is becoming less and less tolerant of people. You often hear words like "idealistic" and "hopeful" when talking about youth and "hardened" and "cynical" when describing older people. The truth is that each year is a chance to be amazed by or disappointed in people. Some years we are + in the "amazed by column" and others the "disappointed by" column tally increases. My challenge is letting my 37 year old self process so that so it doesn't impact my 40 and 45 year old me to come.

I used to think when you'd hear someone say, " I would not want to be 20 again" that they forgot what it was like to be 20. And perhaps that true, but forgetting what it's like to be 20 is ok - when you know what it means to be 37. What is unspoken in that sentence is the peace that comes with recognizing that your journey is winding and that even on dead ends, the view can be inspiring.

Somewhere in the middle of writing this post, Kenton popped online to chat. (That's him being the Bou above) A 20 something with his head on right, I met Kenton when we both were working at Caribou. We share a birthday. We just don't share years. I was born in 1974, Kenton in 1989. For perspective, when Kenton was learning to crawl and walk, I was in high school. And yet 19 years later there we both were learning how to make a decaf soy cappuccino wet.

Some of the smartest and most dedicated people I've met, I met working at a part time job making $7.50 an hour. A scientist working at a lab in Madison, An MBA who took 6 months off to find herself in South Africa, a teacher who is moving to Spain to teach ESL, my favorite nurse working her heart out in Portland, and a chef working underneath greats like Homaro Cantu in Chicago. Oh and of course my wife. It's hard to believe for a short period of time all of our journeys took us to the corner of Stadium and Packard and 5am shifts.

While the rest of us were finishing up degrees, or in the middle of sweeping life changes, Kenton was just getting out of h.s. Working along side a 19 year old could have been distressing, but I never questioned 32 year old self for working at Caribou. It was my choice, it was what I wanted and needed at that stage in my life. Even if this road was slowly draining my savings. I knew to get to the next leg of my journey, I needed to start at the first step. And sometimes the first step feels like its 1000 miles away from your last. And sometimes it is. And that's ok.

As Kenton is getting ready to graduate college we started talking about experience and perspective that comes with age. I found it interesting that he said " I just wish I had some more of the perspective - like I know what I am capable of and it makes me sad that I wont be reaching my full potential till later in life so I want the perspective now" I reminded him that the journey is golden b/c there is magic that comes when you learn a lesson. But then again that knowledge comes with time.

This past week has been trying to say the least. I think 25 year old JAL would have been crushed, needed two days sleep to recover and wonder what to do next. 37 year old JAL has taken some time to process it with her spouse, write and plan - all with the knowledge that life's lessons happen for a reason.

As my birthday gift to myself this year, I simply want to be aware, present and working hard to be the best person I can be to all those people I am something to. I want to take my experiences and use them as ways build upon my lessons. And most importantly, I want to know I am true to myself - no matter how old I am or how old I feel.

Jack-O-Lifeturn

2010-09-18T18:58:00.006-04:00

Back in the day (ie: before dad died), I had carved out a nice little life for myself. I'd some how managed to maintain my friends from the age of five and build new friendships with some of the funniest and smartest people I know. I'd had my 2nd City writing shows, done my stand-up, written a sitcom and played in an improv troupe. I'd temped my way from 20K to a 110K career and managed to start IRAs, have a 401K and invest in property. I learned my neighborhood, found a vet, a salon, a favorite place for brunch, for take out, to shop. I discovered my parks, my favorite path to the lakeshore, my own personal shopping nirvana, and most importantly I'd found the church that brought me close to God.

I seemed to have it all there for a spell. And then I lost it. And that's ok. I remember in the early stages of my mourning process really coming to terms with how God can call us home at anytime. And while he called my father to his heavenly home, He had called me back to that of my family home. It wasn't easy giving up the life I had created, but it probably was the easiest decision I've ever made in my life. I remember Beth writing to me once about going through winter knowing that spring would be coming and that one day that spring would turn into summer, and I may even be so blessed as to find myself barefoot running through the yard of a home in A2.

So here I am. Six years later. The home in A2 a reality, and not only have I been blessed to run barefoot in it, I've been blessed to marry my best friend there.

And here I am - six years later with a successful business under my belt. And a salon. And a vet. And a favorite place to eat brunch, and to take-out.

And I'm so scared. I'm scared to give all these blessings voice. I'm scared of what happens if tomorrow the phone rings to news I can't control. I know that initial loss of dad and the waves it created will never be the same. The variables have shifted, I'm aware that life can change quicker than you'd think possible. And I'm certain that through faith, we can navigate all the hard things that will happen to us. I'm just scared.

Six years later and I think about how I've rebuilt everything from the ground up. This time of year is always the hardest. The countdown in my head starts. And each year all the memories remain the same, it's just the # at the beginning that changes.

Six years ago was one of the best falls I'd ever had. Football games, cider mills, haunted houses, the symphony. It was rich with joy and laughter and love and 'living'. I was living the life I'd wanted. The life I'd imagined and worked so hard for.

The years in b/w then and now have been a series of steps. I had to start all over - finding a job - making friends - dating - working - figuring out my career. It's just been a series of steps to get to this year. To move from spring to summer. And now, well now it's soon to be fall.

I'm just having a hard time this year merging the two thoughts processes. As my I start to enter the hard part of my mourning process, my brain won't let me forget that the last time I was this happy, this centered, this 'living', that I woke up one day and it was gone.

I drove to work that day, north on Lakeshore, and as I passed Grant Park I was talking to my mom on the phone. It'd rained all night and the leaves had really fallen from the trees. As I passed a series of trees, I noted to my mom how all the leaves had fallen. Then we hung up as I got to work. The next time I heard my mom's voice, a few hours later, she was so sad and in b/w tears and a panicked comfort she told me "Jos, your dad has fallen" - And that's the moment the best fall of my life turned into the darkest, coldest and longest winter on record.

Mom and I are always amazed how we can still have warm feelings associated with fall. Amazed how we can still enjoy it, consider it our favorite season and long for the comfort it brings. I think maybe we just don't talk about the part of it that breaks our heart.

When the leaves change I always marvel at their beauty. When the first wind comes and it's raining leaves, I always text Erin to tell her. But I still have a hard time when that first rain comes that and takes them all down.

I sit here wondering how to finish this. The writer in me wants to find the nice little bow that ties it all together. Looking at this though - it's not really a bow that's missing. I still need to find a church.

I can hear my mom saying I'm a spiritual being having a human existence. It's the human in me that gets scared that I'm going to lose everything I've worked for. While the spiritual side of me knows that nothing is mine to begin with. I need to start nurturing the spiritual side a little more.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And how does that make you feel?

2010-06-25T08:20:00.004-04:00

CD and I have been going to therapy now for awhile. I have to say I am fully embracing this and even looking forward to our sessions. It started out as a way for us to try to learn more about how to communicate within an Asperger's relationship. Along the way though, I've really taken to learning about how it is my brain works too. So here is what I know, what I've learned and all how that corresponds to how I feel and react.

I've always said that I see everything in the form of variables. I think, at times, that can seem off putting to people or make me seem a bit cold. I'm quite unapologetic for the way I think and often discuss how I think it's the best way b/c it's logic based. I know, at times, when emotions are high for others - they don't quite appreciate the black/white route I take.

As we sit in therapy and discuss conversations or arguments we have had - and then break them down to figure out what went wrong where, I'm learning some very important things about my own brain f(x)ing.

For starters, I really do process everything as variables. My mind inputs data, processes it and then moves on to the next piece of data entering it. Everything to me is data processing. Small scale - Large scale - everything.

One of my big issues is getting so frustrated so quickly by little things. It's this that I know I have to work on if I really do want to make a run for political office. I have to better be able to adjust to things that just don't make sense to me, listen to ideas that don't fit into my train of thought and then be able to process them smoothly.

So this is good.

I joke about working on my Obama face. However, there is a lot of truth in that. I was talking to PJM about Obama and he said to me something to the effect of "that guy is so smart. watch him - when he is sitting in a room listening to people talk he is thinking about a policy that is over this guys head and you never see it" So I watch him, and I think there is a lot of truth in that. People make fun of him for being 'cool' - but no matter the topic, the place or the tone, Obama is consistent - you can't read his face. I'm working on this. I'm certain he is listening and processing but he is slowing down the process and responding in his own time and manner. I need to learn and own that.

For now CD and I sit and talk and learn about ourselves and each other. It's amazing how far we've come just by starting to learn how the other one f(x)s. Much like I just noticed it, knowing it has allowed us to slow down issues and look at them - process them and respond to them. There are times we still are reacting in the moment, but by having the variables to look at helps.

I've learned my emotions whether happy, angry, frustrated or loving are often a direct result of the experience that has just happened. Of course making/meeting expectations plays a huge role, and sometimes hormones overtake thought but still, for the most part I'm so happy knowing that I have the ability to slow down the processing of my variables and react accordingly and if they data coming in doesn't match up with expectations to back up - reset - and figure it out.

Therapy is good. It makes me feel empowered.

Giving to Cesar what is Cesar's...and an extra two cents

2010-03-22T14:54:00.003-04:00

I wrote this piece several years ago, but as I've watched all this debate from the right/left over health care and taxes, I find myself often trying to figure out how the conservative right makes good with the word of God. Granted, there are many out there that can challenge my lifestyle within the word of God, and I think as humans we are all have that issue before us.

However, I still can't get past two important things both found in the book of Matthew. Paraphrasing, of course - the first is giving to Cesar what is Cesar's (as discussed below) and the second being most of Matthew 6. Matthew 6: 19-21, 24 are shown below.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." &
"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

I don't understand people being afraid of paying more taxes. My feeling is, if I've been blessed enough and have worked hard enough to be in a position to pay taxes, then I'm lucky. I don't see taxes as a necessary evil, I see them as a way to give back. It may be that its forced giving back that angers people. They don't want the government or anyone telling them what to do with their money. That sounds like it has some logic in it, however, there is a price of admission to be a part of this amazing country. The rights afforded to us in the Constitution are rights that cost money. It's impossible to think we can have dreams and aspirations as great as this country does, and don't believe there is any cost associated to it. And I haven't even tapped the religious aspect noted above. Our life is so short. Our time here on earth is a blessing from our Father. We are not put here to be Americans or Michiganders or Ann Arborites, we are put here as brothers and sisters in Christ. Brothers & Sisters...to me that sentiment is bigger than any tax bill my city, state or federal government gives to me. Being a part of a country that has both national pride and a national heart is of equal importance. Pride without heart is merely arrogance. Pride with heart is acceptance, courage and respect. I would give my last dime to be a part of a nation of peoples who have heart and compassion.

We are a nation divided. We have been almost since inception. We are a nation that fought to the death over state rights and civil rights. We are a nation that has tried to stop the progress of blacks and woman. And yet last night, it was our first black president and a woman speaker of the house that helped bring the heart back to a proud nation. We most likely will always be divided. We will in no uncertain terms make mistakes at all levels of government, because we are governed by people. The joy in that is that it's ok. B/c we are people created by, loved by and cared for by a being greater than any divide we have.

When my dad died, it didn't matter how much money he had in his pocket. It didn't matter how much money I was making in Chicago. All that matter is love and compassion and heart. I hope that we as a nation can learn to live in life together as citizens and brothers/sisters the same way we come together to grieve. There is power in compassion.

And now...on to giving to Cesar (written July 30th, 2005)

Giving to Cesar what is Cesar's

When confronted with choosing state over church, Jesus instructed his followers to give to Cesar what was Cesar's and to God what was God's. In America is it possible to be both a representative for Cesar and a representative of God?

A representative's role is to listen to his/her people and filter out the needs that concern their constituency and then work on creating/influencing the laws appropriately. Contrary, the role of clergy is to lead and teach based on the established laws of God. Clergy are the representatives of God who are responsible for feeding the people the Lord's words in the hopes that they will not only eat from the table, but will bring their neighbors to it.

How do you govern people knowing the best interest of the masses is to be fed by God, but the driving interest is led by desire? We are asking representatives to face the daunting task of moderating the needs of the people by creating the laws of the land within the established laws of God.

The role of religion has always been an important one in the U.S. From the birth of the nation to the shaping of its spine, religion has walked with us down each journey we as a nation have undertaken. In a future blog, I'll address the complex historical journey the U.S. and religion have undertaken. From colonial laws to modern day science, religion has been both a unifying ingredient, as well as, a dividing force. Before we tap into the historical context, I'd like to just open the piece up to the questions that will get people thinking about the separate but equal roles that clergy and representatives are currently playing.

America is a country governed by the people for the people. People set the laws. Considering not all people worship at the same table, which religious laws do we take into consideration when creating the law of the land? Is it fair to put the religious views of some before others? Is this a majority rules argument dependent on whether or not the majority share the similar teachings of the church?

How do we let religion guide us as a nation? And with so much divide within the religions, how do we sell a uniformed nationalistic belief to our own people, let alone to other nations who do not share our religious views? Religion is a practice of following God's law for the benefit of all of God's people. It does not know nations, it does not know townships, it was written on and seeks truth.

To me these are the core questions that need to be under constant consideration and discussion. How do we bring people to the same table both in a political and religious sense? Who are the masters at each? And what is our role?
The questions can be addressed in so many different ways, each dependent on where the individual focus lies. Do you side more on the side of politics or religion? Are you giving to Cesar what is Cesar's and to God what is God's?

My Soapbox

2010-01-17T17:58:00.004-05:00

A couple of years ago CD and I were in D.C. visiting one of her old high school chums. D.C.! I know I may be a bit of a idealist, but I have a very soft spot for our nation's capital. I have this undying belief that we are a nation that is built on its citizenry. And I really really believe in the bottom of my heart that we can make a difference, we can over come our differences and be this amazing light in the world.

I know we aren't there. I know it takes moments of national and international tragedy for us to really realize how great we are. When we stop worry about the "me" and the "you" and come together as the "we" ..WE are powerful. WE raise money. WE take care of our own. WE take care of our people.

Interestingly enough, my post isn't even about how great WE are. It is more about how sometimes I'm still surprised how far we have to go.

This was the first time I'd met her friends and honestly was quite taken back by how living in the D.C area wasn't an amazing experience for them, based on their stories. There were criticisms of foreigners not knowing how to drive and labels thrown left and right, all to my surprise. Being just introduced, I tried my darndest to hold my tongue. And for awhile I did. However, as we were getting ready to potentially meet up with friends of friends, I heard the wife whisper to the husband as we loaded into their car, "Do you think we should call them and warn them?"

DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD CALL THEM AND WARN THEM?

It took me a second to realize they were talking about us. They thought they needed to call their friends and warn them about us. About me and CD. WARN THEM. I was beyond flabbergasted.
I was offended and hurt and angry that CD's friends thought they would have to warn ANYONE about us EVER. And so....in my own way (grin), I let them know exactly what I just stated above.

CD, was not pleased.

She is much more of the peace-maker. I am much more of the non peace-maker. I just couldn't get my mind around that thought. These people know her, love her, invited us to stay with them so they could meet her girlfriend, and then slapped us, our love and our being in the face. In D.C.!

WHAT?

So....after an angry night of defensive reasons and crying, the next day we all went out had a few beers and kinda not talked about the night before.

I've never forgotten it. I've chalked it up there as one of those things that I can't believe has happened b/c I've fallen in love.

So....a couple of years distance removed from the situation and CD's friend was in town. They had dinner and apparently this topic came up.

Huh...I am still shocked at this next statement... CD's friend told her that she said that b/c she wanted to make sure nothing violent happened.

SHE WANTED TO MAKE SURE NOTHING VIOLENT HAPPENED.

WHAT?

I'm so confused how you can invite a friend over have the thought of "Hey let's see if so and so want to meet up" and then think, "Hmmmm I better warn them there are a couple of lesbians around so they don't get violent"

I asked CD if it sounded like an apology. She said it sounded more like guilt than an apology.

And that's how it sounded to me.

It's crazy how powerful WE are. WE can build each other up. WE can tear each other down. And WE can justify each and every variation in between. And for what? B/c when the planes strike or the earthquake hits, we aren't asking for orientation or tax brackets or an insurance card. WE are reaching out hands, reaching into pocket books and coming together as people, as brothers, as sisters...as we should.

Catch 22

2009-12-13T14:58:00.010-05:00

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.

"That's some catch, that catch-22," he observed.

"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.

As I start writing today, I'm not even sure if "Catch 22" makes sense to what I feel. But it is where my mind initially started to go, and I've learned to not fight what I think. Or feel. And I feel I've created my own version of a Catch 22.

I've spent the past 16 months working to create a business that I can be proud of. And for the most part, I am. Really proud. But some how in creating this business, I've realized I've created a really simple business. We aren't required to be anything other than really great massage therapists and competent front desk employees. My ability to market and bring in people goes mostly unseen, acknowledged or appreciated by the therapists, and for the most part I don't mind b/c I'm a numbers person and the numbers have been praising me for some time.

So the goal of 16 months ago has been met in that regards. However, I've created this situation where since it is such a simple job, the therapists treat it as such. Simplicity breeds simplicity. So although my business mind sets the expectation that everyone reacts and responds as if we were a team of surgeons, in reality we don't come even close. The basic functions of the job get overlooked. This is devastating to my need for order, drive for being the best and its a real kick to my ego.

I can't help but think about how just down the roads we have two university hospitals where night and day life and death procedures are taking place. As we speak a team is meeting to assess a need, a chef is preparing hundreds of meals, an IT tech is making sure the network is up, administrators are making sure bills are paid, payroll gets out, parking attendants are checking in and out 100s of cars. The systems in place to make St. Joes and UofM run are incredible. I have such a love for systems, such a respect for them, and such a need for them. Yet I've created a business that require very little of them, the ones we have are quite basic and I can't figure out how to get my team to use them.

The tracking of basic issues, addressing them and suggesting needed changes haven't always resulted in the common sense fixes that are ever present in my head. I'm overwhelmed with the sense that I've created a successful business; but by not challenging myself to create a 'different' or 'harder' business model, I'm forever going to be a 'business' mind stuck in a 'feeling' field.

Numbers don't feel & they don't lie.

What I can't get everyone to realize is the importance of the little things. The simple clicking on a button to verify appointment length, or not yelling "Hi" to their client as they enter the building, or asking nicely for a loud client to quiet down a bit b/c there are other people in session, or that 60 minutes means 60 minutes. It doesn't mean 65, 70 or 75.

I know I'm not going to be able to fight the diva mentality that exists with the profession. Our therapists do kick ass and what they during the sessions is amazing. Its an honor to own a business where we are helping everyone that comes through our door. So they should be proud of their talents, I reward confidence. Confidence brings people back, brings new people in. Confidence makes my numbers tell me good truths.

But...what if this is as good as I'm ever going to be? What if trying to get a bunch of therapists to think about the job outside of the 60 minute massage is my lot in life?

My potential is so upset at me. And lets be honest, we aren't successful in my eyes until we do the things right on a daily and consistent level. Most importantly, however, is the need for growth. The need to learn - all of us. There isn't a thing wrong with making a mistake. Not one thing. The problem comes when that mistake is not corrected. The issue becomes the mistake becoming a habit, the mistake becoming an excuse, and the mistake costing me the ability to have the successful business I know we are capable of.

I guess this comes down to me continuing to learn how to better manage. I admit I've got lots to learn still.

I'm just worried though. What if my catch is that by creating a simple business model, I've created the sustainable, profitable business that doesn't operate on the structure or systems I need in order to feel successful?

That's some catch.

It's a movement...it takes time.

2009-11-05T19:42:00.008-05:00

Maine voters said "No". Cali voters said, "No". And so it goes.

I have to be honest, I'm not horribly troubled by this. I'm not as active as I should be and each one of these "NO" votes carries me a bit more into the "I need to get active" mindset.

But here is my super simple thought on this. It's a movement - it takes time.

There is no shortcut to civil rights.

The civil rights act of 1964 was the result of years of struggle and being told "NO". Although the 13th Amendment in 1865 abolished slavery, it wasn't until 3 years later in 1868 that the 14th Amendment defined citizenship by declaring, "All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. "

This was in direct response to the southern states passing Black Codes that denied rights after the passing of the 13th Amendment.

Plessy V Ferguson (1896) upheld a Louisiana law that required separate accommodations for African Americans and Whites on railroads, including separate railway cars, though it specified that the accommodations must be kept "equal". Ruling 7-1 in favor of upholding this the court ruled that no laws were broken with regards to the 14th Amendment and that Louisiana separated the two races as a matter of public policy. Writing the loan dissenting opinion, Justice Marshal Harlan wrote, "But in view of the Constitution, in the eye of the law, there is in this country no superior, dominant, ruling class of citizens. There is no caste here. Our Constitution is color-blind, and neither knows nor tolerates classes among citizens. In respect of civil rights, all citizens are equal before the law."

It took 60 years for this ruling to be overturned in the 1954 Brown v Board of Education case. Ruling 9-0 the court found that "separate educational facilities are inherently unequal." And interestingly enough, Brown was not the first legal challenge to racially segregated schools in the United States. In fact, it was the eleventh case to challenge the 1879 Kansas law, and the third case from Topeka.

The march to the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was met with a series of "NO"s for 99 years- each one challenged and overturned in due time, with due process.

Our country's greatest asset is that in the end, we'll get it right. It's a movement b/c it takes time and learning and growth and change. The government is built out of belief of its people. Our constitution written in a time when African Americans were slaves and women couldn't vote. It has been amended 27 times. It has even been amended to repeal an amendment. Our nation continues to be a work in progress, our citizens continue to evolve.

There have been four cases regarding gay rights that have made it to the Supreme Court. Bowers v Hardwick (1986), Romar v Evans (1996), Boy Scouts of America v Dale (2000) & Lawrence v Texas (2003) -

What is note worthy of these cases is that we can see some change in the rulings. While, Bowers v. Harwick upheld a Georgia statue denying the right to protection of sexual privacy, Lawrence v Texas struck down the sodomy law in Texas. The court argued that the 14th Amendment intimate consenting sexual conduct between two adults.

Time is a critical piece of the gay rights movement b/c the government built a system that recognizes that its people will change and the needs of it citizenry will grow and adapt to the times. Our gay rights movement is picking up steam on all angles. The The Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Jr Hate Crimes Prevention Act passed October 28th of this year. It expands upon a 1969 federal hate crime law (covering crimes motivated by someone’s race, colour, religion or national origin) to include crimes motivated by a person’s sexual orientation, gender identity or disability.

In June 2009, President Obama signed a Presidential Memorandum expanding benefits for partners of gay federal employees.

The California's Supreme Court's ruling to uphold Prop 8, I believe is often misunderstood. It is the same court that had ruled that gay marriage was legal, so then, why did they not knock down Prop 8? The court was forced to rule on the legitimacy of rights of the citizens of CA to change the constitution by the use of the ballot box. Their ruling was based on existing law. It is important to note that in their ruling they added, "We further conclude that Proposition 8 does not apply retroactively and therefore that the marriages of same-sex couples performed prior to the effective date of Proposition 8 remain valid." Essentially we have a state right now that has afforded the same group of people two different sets of rights. Although seen as a blow to the movement, I see this as a critical component of the journey to equal rights. As Justice Harlan Marshal noted in his dissenting opinion in the "separate but equal" Plessy v Ferguson case, " declaring that 'all persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the state wherein they reside,' and that 'no state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty or property without due process of law, nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.' These two amendments [Thirteenth and Fourteenth], if enforced according to their true intent and meaning, will protect all the civil rights that pertain to freedom and citizenship. "

In 1779, Thomas Jefferson proposed a law that would mandate castration for gay men and mutilation of nose cartilage for gay women. But that's not the scary part. Here's the scary part: Jefferson was considered a liberal. At the time, the most common penalty on the books was death.

In 1969 when the NYPD raided a gay bar in Greenwich Village and started arresting employees and drag performers, they got more than they bargained for--a crowd of some 2,000 lesbian, gay, and transgender supporters of the bar took on the police, forcing them into the club. Three days of riots ensued.

1980 election - Democratic leaders had everything to gain and little to lose by supporting gay rights, so they inserted a new plank in the party platform: "All groups must be protected from discrimination based on race, color, religion, national origin, language, age, sex or sexual orientation."

1982-84 The Village Voice became the first business to offer domestic partnership benefits in 1982. In 1984, the City of Berkeley became the first U.S. government body to do so--offering lesbian and gay city and school district employees the same partnership benefits that heterosexual couples take for granted.

1999 California established a statewide domestic partnerships registry available to same-sex couples. The original policy granted hospital visitation rights and nothing else, but over time a number of benefits--added incrementally from 2001 to 2007--have strengthened the policy to the point where it offers most of the same state benefits available to married couples.

2000 -Rather than amending the constitution, the State of Vermont established civil unions--a separate but equal alternative to marriage that would grant same-sex couples the same rights available to married couples.

2004 - All of this changed when seven same-sex couples challenged Massachusetts' heterosexual-only marriage laws in Goodridge v. Department of Public Health--and won unconditionally. The 4-3 decision mandated that marriage itself must be made available to same-sex couples. Civil unions would not be enough this time.

2007 - In November, the House of Representatives approves a bill ensuring equal rights in the workplace for gay men, lesbians, and bisexuals.

2008 -

In February, a New York State appeals court unanimously votes that valid same-sex marriages performed in other states must be recognized by employers in New York, granting same-sex couples the same rights as other couples.

In February, the state of Oregon passes a law that allows same-sex couples to register as domestic partners allowing them some spousal rights of married couples.

2009 -

On April 3, 2009, the Iowa Supreme Court unanimously rejects the state law banning same-sex marriage. Twenty-one days later, county recorders are required to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

On April 7, the Vermont Legislature votes to override Gov. Jim Douglas's veto of a bill allowing gays and lesbians to marry, legalizing same-sex marriage. It is the first state to legalize gay marriage through the legislature; the courts of the other states in which the marriage is legal—Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Iowa—gave approval.

On June 3, New Hampshire governor John Lynch signs legislation allowing same-sex marriage. The law stipulates that religious organizations and their employees will not be required to participate in the ceremonies. New Hampshire is the sixth state in the nation to allow same-sex marriage.

It's a movement - it takes time. And honestly, I'm ok with that.

By the people...of the people.....for the people!

Welcome overload of sentiment and emotion that comes with birthday month...would you like some cake?

2009-08-09T13:31:00.003-04:00

So...it's August.

And here I sit, deep into thought, but once again. I've always been very internally focused and thoughtful, if you will, during this month. My journals are racked with "where I am" - "what I want"s and "what it all means" type of entries. One entry on my birthday finds me sitting at Lake Michigan penning on the beach as I took a break on my walk to Tiffany's to buy myself a gift. That was the year I just wanted to be alone. I took three days off, planned nodda thing and set off to think and write and be. It was also the year my friends kidnapped me, blindfolded me and took me to Chuck E Cheeses to eat pizza, drink beer and scare the children. It was great.

My 25th birthday still stands out as one of my most favorites. It must have been on a Friday b/c I remember hanging out at Bacci's with the local crew and Erin. Harnack was sharing some drinkies with us and asked us if we wanted to meet up at the yacht club and go for an evening boat ride on the lake. And that's what we did...we rounded up the usual crew back then - Timmy, E, Drew, Tyson, Weber, Personette and others and headed out for an evening of amazing views and some "Chicken or Go" action. Oh to be 25 again. Or not to be, I imagine.

My 29th birthday was my first in my new condo. I'd lived there less than a month and everything was shiny and new and fantastic and amazing. Knowing my love for tiramisu, the gang at that time E, Apple, Rog, Mike, Jo and Greene showed up at my door with bags of Tiramisu from Maggianos. We sat around in my kitchen and laughed and ate and played. That crew never quite grew up - and I loved that.

When I was turning 30 I was jobless but with a new puppy and I decided I was going to enjoy turning 30 even if I had to fake it. A memorable dinner in Greektown with E, Greene and the Reids led to an evening of bars with Wondero/RVK and some old EVEREN peeps.

And then my dad died.

I can't quite get passed that part in my life right now. I hate that. Isn't that a horrible transition. And then my dad died. Every birthday since then I can't help but think - it's be X years since I've seen my dad. He didn't even die in August, it was November - but the last birthday I spent with him was in August - the last time I saw him was in September - so this whole August - November mental time line kills me. And it started. Last night I innocently grabbed and old scrapbook from my Chicago days, I read some of my "To Do" lists, I read a lot of the notes of our sitcom and then I grabbed a pen to write. The " my life is so different since dad died" flow came out again. I don't write 1/2 as much as I used to, I think it's because I'm fearful to go through the feelings that come with it.

And then my dad died.

I think that so often. Oh this was going on...that was going on...and then........well you know.

I think my mourning process has been good. I've allowed myself a lot of time to grieve. I don't deny it. I talk about him. I talk to him. I, sometimes, even talk for him. He is so present in my life. I have dreams where we sit and chat and we both know he is dead and every now and then I actually get to hug him. But damn it...i haven't seen the man for almost five years. I haven't actually hugged him, I haven't actually heard him - and whenever I dip back into my writing or really get in tune with my thoughts - he is the first thing I start to work through.

I miss him so much. It's hard to write it, b/c it gives his death life and it hurts so bad to do that.

And so much good has happened in my life in the past few years. I've met the love of my life, I've opened my own business, I'm working hard on so many components of my life and they are all coming together, but I can't think of any of those things without seeing them through the lens of my dad being gone. And I hate that.

I think about how when my sister turned 35 my dad had been gone for almost a year already - and then I think my God he's been gone that long?!?! It just doesn't seem fair. Still.

I found a letter yesterday that he wrote to me...."everyone is sick of the long winter" ....."Tigers are gonna be worse than last year" ..... "Mom and I are taking a bus to Greek town"..... "you missed a good turkey dinner" ....

He was one of my best friends in the whole world. I loved hanging out with him at the store. I adored him, followed him around more than the dog would.

He had his own business when he was 35 too. Of course he also had two kids, so I really don't know how he did it.

Oh well, I'll give myself some time to be sad this month and to think and to write.

5 years. I wish I could remember the last time I saw him. It haunts me that as much recall I have about everything, I can't find that memory.

So yay birthday month......

It occurred to me...

2009-07-10T11:50:00.003-04:00

....quite quickly actually the other day that I might not need to spend my summers in Chicago. Although it sounds quite catching and lovely, as CD and I have had a bit more time off to enjoy our home and our town, I've realized that I quite fancy spending time in Ann Arbor. Once proud to be a 'city' girl, I think I've discovered that I'm much more 'this city' girl. A2 and I...we get each other.

And what's not to get?

Foodies from across the state and alumni alike will tell you that A2 is the place to eat. Although we don't get out as often as we'd like to the nice(r) places around, we do still get to them occasionally and savor every nibble of food and every sip of wine when we do.

Our parks are amazing. CD and I spent a lot of time last Saturday playing around the Gallup Park area. It was great. We walked trails, watched people kayak and canoe and figure out how/where you put in and take out. We now just have to figure out when we are going to try it. Lonnie loved sniffing his way through the walk, being petted by the random A2 dog lover and hanging out in the great outdoors.

I find little more rewarding than working hard outdoors in our yard and then enjoying a good meal cooked on the grill and a refreshing nice cold beer. I feel very blessed to own the home we do, and it really does feel good and of value to work in it and at it - and live that life I've always dreamed of. There is something about a yard and a garden and doing landscaping that just makes it feel right and makes me feel complete!

While Ann Arbor doesn't afford me the magnificent view of the Chicago skyline, it does allow me to sit at night in the quiet of my yard and take in brilliance of a night sky not dulled by city lights. While Chicago always provided the air of excitement, challenge and adventure, Ann Arbor cradles me in a sense of being at peace and at home.

When I first had started to realize that summers in Ann Arbor spoke to me more than summers in Chicago, I told CD I realized that I'm more of a kayak the river girl than a lay by the beach one. And I prefer to spend money landscaping and getting my hands dirty than paying association fees, and the thought of owning an old beat up pickup and taking stuff to recycling and goodwill and driving off to the farmer's market on a Saturday morning really does make my heart sing. And what a happy tune it's singing.

My minds a racing..

2009-04-26T15:16:00.003-04:00

Spring always sends my brain into over drive.

I want to do this, I want to do that, I want to, I want to, I WILL.

But where to begin? There are things I must do...yard work, clean the garage, clean out my car, find summer clothes.

Then there are things I want to do, BBQ w/ friends, Kayak the Huron, walk my doggie, relax, bask in the sun, hang out at a Tigs game, hang out a Wrigley, spend some time on the lake, bonfire at my mom's......and the list goes on.

This years trick will be figuring out how to do a few of the above mentioned things while working a lot, growing a business, planning a wedding, and trying to stay sane.

It will be a good challenge indeed. Thankfully, I'm mentally prepped to take it on.

I prob should hop over to Balance and blog a bit there, or I may just go cozy up in the chair for a bit and read a bit of "Leadership the Challenge" I want to make sure as I grow in business, I do so in a positive leadership role.

CD and I are really starting to 'get' our roles, what we are comfortable in, what we'll challenge ourselves with and what we need to respect about the other. It's hard work. It's worth it, but it's taking a lot of time and effort to get to the point of understanding.

Our moms helped out so much with our open house yesterday. It feels so good to have such love and support from the both of them. After the open house, we closed up shop a wee bit early and headed out to get a couple of drinks and some dinner. It was very fun to sit with my baby and our moms and laugh and talk about our business, our relationships and everything in b/w.

I'm obsessed with the Tigers this season. If I can't watch the game, I'm listening to it. I love baseball. I love it. I LOVE IT. The sounds, the smells, the mere idea of it. YAY yay yay baseball.

Oh and yay spring.

I'm fighting the "I miss my convertible" & the "I miss Chicago" feelings that happen this time of year. It's silly to waste time missing. I'm so blessed, I was so blessed and if I keep working hard and taking time to appreciate what I've got, I'll be able to look back and bask in the blessing that are currently upon me. (ie: see above paragraph about moms....a true blessing)

Mom said to us this morning that she is proud of us and that things will get easier, she noted that as we get busier and continue to grow right now, they may get harder first - but to know that there will come a time when we can breathe, sit back and relish what we've done. It's nice to hear moms say that she can see it too. Her vision and voice are so important in my life. And it's nice for CD to hear it from someone other than me. When you are in the day to day grind of our life right now, it's hard sometimes to remember what the really big picture is.

For us that is love and marriage and kids and fun! (Oh and Politico!) - It's good right now. We've made it 6 months. We've seen growth each month, we are taking the time to learn from each thing we do as a business and a couple.

E's wedding was a lot of fun. I'm so happy for my roommate and friend.

Ok...mind racing...word dumping...and still so much to do!

Looking forward to a night of fresh cut grass smells, grilled chicken salad for dinner and some good wine and conversation with my bestest buddy.

I'm happy. I'm working hard. I'm tired some days. But I'm happy. And I'm happy to be all of those things with CD. Our life makes me smile.

Audi!

Psssst...hey stock market

2009-02-26T19:16:00.002-05:00

Just b/w you and me Mr. Stock Market - I think it's time you turn your ship around. Now I know you've had a rough year and are feeling beat up, but hey we all go through that from time to time. I hate to do the "tough love" bit here - but shape up man, for Pete's sake. We get it. You're down. No one is investing in you like they did before. That doesn't mean they don't still like you. It doesn't mean you're still not the next big thing.

See..here's the deal... no one likes to hang around people who are mopey and down all the time. That goes for big down jones industrial averages like yourself. If you want people to hang out with you again, party with you, praise you and build you back up, well then you need to start acting the part.

Stand up straight, stick out your chest - and be the DJIA that you can be. Be the DJIA that we all fell in love with in the early 90's.

You can do it.

Oh YES YOU CAN.

Now it's not going to be easy to change this mindset you are in. But, I have faith you in stock market. I have faith. I don't have any money in you but I'm faith a plenty.

So go ...start with that. Start with the knowledge that one lowly poor business person in the middle of Ann Arbor still believes in you. Still knows that if you are treated right - you can play your part in turning this country back around.

Huh...feels good right? Feel a little pride?

Now let's see you shake off some of this gloom and doom and give me a little bump tomorrow. Nothing huge...just nothing red. A little green. A point or two.. start small cause baby once your momentum builds - watch out, you'll be back on top in no time.

Sincerely,

Josie Ann Lee
Stock Market watcher, believer and friend.

The grass is always greener...

2009-02-14T18:15:00.003-05:00

Oh is that so? B/c it's fricking WHITE here. That's right. The grass isn't green b/c it is, once again, buried under a pile of white precipitation - and I ain't none to happy about that cats.

So here's the deal. The other day when it warmed up a bit and the white all went away I thought, "Wow...it's so nice to see the grass again - I feel like a real person" And I did. It was lovely. Really. Lovely. I might have even skipped across my yard once and walked over and lovingly gazed at my garden and thought, "hey I can't wait to mow the lawn" - Ok..none of those things happened - but I WAS EXCITED to see green grass, and I did take a look to the garden and wondered about the lawn and such.

But this morning when I woke and looked outside I could see the limbs of the tree were covered with this white stuff again, and I was not pleased. It is hours later and I'm still at the same level of displeasement. Yes, I said it, "DISPLEASEMENT" - you don't think it's a word? SUCK IT. It's a word in my life when I'm left to deal with more winterness and my body is aching for spring.

WARMTH OF SUN

Doesn't that sound good? Wouldn't it be nice to go home tonight, crack open a beer and sit outside and talk about the day?

Big sigh inserted here

And another one here......

And still one more (maybe slightly less big) right .....wait for it..........HERE...

Soon enough it will be spring. Yay for that and for another Cubs season and for trees that green and for not wearing shoes outside and for convertibles (ok another sigh right there) and for all things good like smores and BBQs with friends. Oh and fireworks.

It's Valentine's Day today. And so it will be next year at this time. But will it be grassy?

How come we don't say grassy? We should. I'm going to. Heck, I just did.

I've taken a few minutes today to map out my five year plan. Literally did it in about 3 minutes. I'm good with it. Ready to lock and load it - just want to run it by my 5 year plan mate and see what she thinks. If I get support of it - it's a done deal. Which is rather exciting. I love plans. Also I threw in seven year goal and an 11 year goal just for fun.

11 year plan makes me feel reather old. However, I'd rather be rather old and accomplished than just rather old.

CD and I might be buying a new couch. We can't afford said couch. But...thank God the government hasn't realized yet that too much credit extended to you can be a bad thing. We actually can't afford anything so we figured we might as well get everything except married and vacationed. Apparently we REALLY can't afford those two for now. Or a puppy - we can' afford a puppy. (Shhhh.....it's on the five year plan....!)

I suppose - I recokon I oughta close this here dandy of a post and finish up the work that sits before me.

I'm so responsible it's daunting.

The Vessel

2009-01-29T22:35:00.002-05:00

So CD and I have spent a lot of time lately talking about sales. Not so much 'how are we going to get them', but more like, 'how do we not want to do them"

I've seen a lot of salespeople in my day. I'm 100% against it. If you have a good product, good vision and good direction then your product will sell itself. Marketing and advertising are essential, however, 'the sales pitch' I've yet to warm up to. My style is conversational . So far so good.

I am first and foremost a skeptic. You want to sell me something. Good luck. If I don't need it, if I don't have a single need for it, I don't care what it is or what the deal....I'm not buying. And I have no problem telling you that. My funds are distributed based on my needs. It's a very simple equation that I'm hopeful will bring us success and riches at some point. I won't even classify it as frugal, just simply needs based purchasing. So far so good.

CD, however, has nary the ability to say 'no' to anyone or any product. It's interesting to me (in a very frustrating, 'what are you thinking' lovingly way). Ok, maybe not so lovingly. It is interesting though. We've been working very hard to learn what the sales process is. Every where we go we look to see who is selling what to whom and who is buying. For instance, while waiting for Pete and fam at the Joe in December, we say a gentlemen buying tickets off of another gentlemen. So we took the time to review the transaction and to take it apart. 1. Establish a connection 2. Hand the tickets over creating ownership 3. Ask for price, tell benefit 4. Create urgency. I find it FUN FUN FUN to look at process, knowing that I can control it at anytime, if need be. I like knowing I am leading the conversation even if someone else is trying to sell me something. It's not a control thing, again, it's a needs based response to a proposition.

I talk to CD all the time about leading conversations. I think she is starting to understand a little bit but there is so much to know and I know I still have a lot to learn.

It's fun when it's not as noted above....frustrating beyond all belief. So far..not so good on this one, I suppose.

So what's my point?

Well it's two fold and the ending will grab you.

This evening while reviewing a recent sales gone bad moment I was talking to CD about seeing someone as a vessel, and how to use them to get your needs met - even when they are trying to sell you 'something you must have and an unbelievable price" - you can even give them the power by having them call you back...use the vessel and lead them to lead. Be a step ahead of the game. But in order to do that, you first have to learn and understand the game and you have to be, sadly, skeptical.

Ok..so that's the part that sounds horrible. So far...so good.

Then tonight, I took sometime to take a nice long bath and relax a bit. So laying back in the tub, I took some time to pray. Before I knew it I was apologizing to the Lord for not being the vessel I know I can be. The vessel, the word came out probably b/c it's been on my mind, but it still hit the mark. I am my Lord's vessel. And a poor one I have been. He is leading me if I let him. He is leading me even as I try to seem like I have all the answers. However, I haven't been present in my relationship with my God lately. I haven't been active in church, I have been doing daily prayers and I haven't asked him to help me work though all the issues that go through my brain. He IS leading, I just have to give thanks and allow the knowledge to keep me grounded and directed.

So that is my challenge. And it is one I welcome. I want to get active in church again. I want to be the vessel I should be. The vessel I can be. While CD learns to be skeptical, I want to learn to give it all over. To be vulnerable before my Lord.

And there you have it. Two vessels...two thoughts....two things to continue to monitor and grow in. So far....so good.

I'm wearing a hat..whadya think about that?

2009-01-08T21:51:00.006-05:00

I just realized that while I sit on the couch listening to Rachel, patting the dog on my lap and aimlessly wandering around facebook, that I still have my winter's cap on. It is winter. I have a cap. I keep it cool.

There is a lot going on. That is an understatement.

There is a lot going on.

But CD and I keep on. Keeping on...keeping on.

12 days till Obama becomes POTUS. I wonder what he and Michelle sit around and talk about? I bet it has something to do with 12 days until he is POTUS. But I'm no mind reader, mind you.

Maybe my winter's cap in also my thinking one. That'd be cool. I keep it cool.

People I like: Chucky T, The Killers, My mom, CD's mom, Chynna Phillips, Richard, The Sham Wow guy, George V, Mr. Clean, Benny, McBear & Nonami.

Adjective Of The Day: nondescript

Elvis would have been 74 today. He would have been 74 tomorrow too. However, I don't know why we keep track of age after someone has died, b/c isn't that what death means...you stop aging? Just a thought.

I told Blago that I'd give him free massages, a gift certificate to demon dogs, my old UM ticket stubs, one of CD's bras, the right to post to my blog and a big teddy bear hug if I could take over Obama's seat. I'm still waiting to hear back.

My cap is still on. At this point I think it has become my security cap.

I think I'm going to start taking longer to do things and pointing more fingers. It apparently works for Congress. I mean they have good wages and healthcare. Maybe I'll shake my fingers when I point them for effect. Or maybe I'll use one of them to pretend to tip my cap.

So I might stop writing now. Only because I think maybe I'm not saying anything.

Oh yea...I approve of Dr. Sanjay Gupta. Go Blue!

Oh I'd like to add Howard Fineman to the list of people I like. And maybe that guy from Fame that is on the confessions of a Teen Idol. I totally like him for sure.

Fame - I'm gonna live forever.....I'm gonna learn how to fly....HIGH

Btw, Elvis would have been 74. Isn't that crazy?

The year it was..

2009-01-02T10:51:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's already Jan 2nd....where did the year go?

So 2008 was a big year.

Here it is in a nut shell.

Crabby Ben learned to walk and talk and jog and run and is now our CEO. Mom put the house up for sale, lots of lookers, no buyers and that's ok with me. CD and I got our rings during an amazing weekend in Chicago, had our engagement dinner, planned our wedding and then unplanned our wedding. (When it happens it's going to be EFFIN fun). We got ready to sign the papers to become a franchise and due to errors and bad business we decided to walk. A trip to get my hair cut with Peter, a door knock by Harrison and fate met our hard work. In a few short months we went from being employed by others to running our own business. In other news, I sold my car, lost Tim Russert....gained Obama and got to hug my friend Pete for the first time in years.

So 2009...

I'm not going to ask of you anymore than you are willing to give. But nonetheless, I welcome you to our lives. I hope we don't take you for granted.

Dear Fred Armisen.... Part I

2008-12-26T12:16:00.002-05:00

Dear Fred Armisen,

I'm proud of you.

Josie

I'm Tired Dude

2008-12-23T16:52:00.005-05:00

I'm tired. It's true. I'm not sick. However, I am sick of being tired. So maybe that makes me sick and tired. I'm not sure, I just know I'm tired dude.

And I might be whiny.

It's cool though. I have to say I expected to be tired. Starting a new biz is time consuming and for a person, such as I, who likes to think it is thought consuming. If I don't put effort into not talking about the biz, I can do so in a nonstop fast paced way for hours, and days and weeks and well apparently a couple of months. All of this talking and thinking has well made me...yeah you know..tired dude.

However, what's the up side right? The upside is I'm not working for anyone other than me and the CD. And that my friends is LIBERATING. It is this amazing feeling to get up every day and go to work for yourself.

I have so many thoughts that come to the front of my head right now and then come up missing. I'm not sure what is happening to them. It's like there is a drain to my brain skimming off thoughts. Huh...it must be because I'm tired dude.

What's my point? I need a few days off. I need a few days of R&R with CD to rejuvenate ourselves so I can put 110% in everyday. Right now, RIGHT NOW, I feel like I'm at 48% or so. Now 36% is geared toward Christmas, but still that leaves me at a total of only 84% and while a "B" in most cases, being a business owner takes my A game, of which I'm lacking b/c I'm tired dude.

So there we have it. January we are expecting to be a slow month, so we may take advantage of that and take a long weekend. We need it. Balance needs us to have it. I'm amazed at how my father for years (almost 35 of them) worked 7 days a week/12 hour days and never complained. I guess I'm not really complaining, I'm just asking for rest. I think that's ok. I am happy that I don't have the "i don't get to see my spouse" syndrome, or the "i hate my job", or the "what am I going to do with my life" - I'll take being tired b/c there is nothing more that I enjoy more than being home with my girl and sunggling myself into a nice deep sleep.

I've got things to say

2008-11-12T18:17:00.002-05:00

And they may not be poetic, but hear me out anyway.

I hate that I can't get married. I hate that I am treated like a second hand citizen. I hate that I feel I can't talk to my friends about things because they won't 'get it'. I hate that people think I'm gay. I hate that I hate that. But I do. I hate that we label and deny and talk about 'unions' and 'blessings'. I hate that CD's dad doesn't like me for the single fact that I love her. I hate that I've felt discriminated against. I am blessed to have had the experience to know what it actually means and to work to NEVER do it to others. I hate that CA repealed the RIGHT. TOOK away civil rights. I love Rachel Maddow for being main stream and honest and non apologetic. I hate that I'm realizing by my writing that I'm filled with hate. This is about love. This is about me. This is still about me. I am me. I have been me from 08-20-1974 and I will be me until I die. And today I am not granted the basic RIGHT to die married. Until death us do part is not something I'm offered by this country so bound and determined to promote, 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" by this country who is so worried about state rights and church rights it's forgotten about my rights. It's forgotten about the separation of church and state and it has impacted me. Is someone yelling FIRE in a crowded theatre? YES! Everyday of my life that I can't get married someone is yelling FIRE. FIRE. FIRE. FIRE. FIRE. My civil rights are violated my heart is broken and I know that we will overcome this, but it hurts in the meantime. It hurts. It tears down my face hurts when my minister says she won't come to the 'wedding' b/c it isn't semantics it's a legal right that she won't partake in but she can 'bless anything'. It hurts when even though I openly want to call it a wedding most people call it a 'commitment ceremony' b/c that's what they are comfortable with. It hurts that across the Detroit River people have the rights I'm not afforded. FIRE! My government will figure this out, I have no doubt of that. My church is figuring it out, for that I have no doubt. My heart has figured it out, for that I am blessed. However, my feelings are still hurt. Everyday FIRE! B/c of misunderstandings and lack of understanding and poor communication and hurt we've decided to put off the pig roast for now. Why take the time to try to join the family and friends when unity is not on the ticket. I'm not forcing anyone to 'bless' me. I'm not asking anyone to sit at a table and pretend. FIRE. I need nothing but my love. I need nothing but my heart. I need nothing but us and in us truth and in us love and in us understanding and in us faith and in us endurance and in us hope and healing and the calmness that comes from knowing ....KNOWING....that I'm with the one that was made for me...I'm with the one that I will be with through now and eternity and I'm with the one that gets the rest of this is nonsense..hurtful bigoted nonsense that means nothing. If only this nothingness didn't hurt or wasn't so loud or if only I was deaf to it. But I can hear the FIRES raging. There are times I think we can feel their heat. In time they will burn themselves out and from ashes great things are built. I want to emphasize the hurt. I want to put it on paper. It hurts. It hurts I can't get married. It makes me sad every time I think about it, let alone give it voice.

I'm done. I can't think about it, write about it or talk about it anymore. It only adds fuel to the FIRE!

Charlie - Track & Field - The Death of the Pig - and other goods

2008-10-11T07:29:00.003-04:00

I have to take a few minutes this morning and decompress. The past month has been this incredible race to the finish life. Last night was our grand opening. It went wonderfully well! The place looks great, we had a great turnout and the food was unparalleled. Yesterday, however, at some point I realized that the finish line wasn't really a finish line at all but a starting block.

And I'm ok with that. Just slightly freaked out. But fear always fuels me. I was talking to CD a few weeks ago about buying a hurdle, writing the word 'fear' on it and putting it in front of my goals. I want to be reminded EACH day that the only thing standing b/w me and whatever I want is fear. That is my hurdle to navigate!

My mind isn't racing today. There isn't that constant linear progression of the 1000 things I have to accomplish before moving to 1001. Today the goal is much simpler...MAKE THE BUSINESS WORK. I'm thankful for having the mind I do. I think in those terms. Translating my thoughts to action and success however, is the next road I have to start walking. This morning the path looks long, exactingly long.

Months ago when we started this process I got up early and headed into Caribou to sit, think and start plotting out what we'd need to do to make this work. Charlie was there drinking his normal daily cup of coffee. I sat down with him to get his business take on what I was thinking about doing. I told him our plans, our reasons and our backgrounds. He off erred me up some advice noting he wasn't going to tell me to do it or not to do it, he said he'd played around in fields and didn't find his passion till he was 35. As we talked back and forth, Charlie said something to me that resonated then and as I sat in our studio last night after everyone was gone I could just hear his voice over and over saying, "You know Josie, you could essentially just be creating a job for yourself"

YOU KNOW JOSIE, YOU COULD ESSENTIALLY JUST BE CREATING A JOB FOR YOURSELF!

I sat there thinking about that for so many reasons. Without filter on an early Saturday morning I'm trying to work through them.

I can't help but think of my mom and dad starting Hickory Market. I think of all the things CD and I have had to think about, or fight about, or compromise about and I'm sure we have to be following in there footsteps. I wish my dad was here to see it, to give his thoughts and share his lessons. At night and early in the morning when things are slightly calmer, I lay in bed and listen so careful trying to hear everything he wants to tell me. I take great comfort in this.

I can't help but think of the market being down 40% this year with no bottom currently in sight. I know it's not the best time to start a new company. We are creating jobs, so I do feel good about that. Small businesses really are the backbone of the nation. But I am well aware of the risk right now. No risk...no reward.

Me & CD.... We've been together now for two years. That's not that long of a time. During that time we've had a lot to work through. There was the telling of parents (which normally is a fun happy thing), the planning of a wedding (that we consistently are reminded is not legal and very few people actually call a 'wedding), learning to navigate the other's family and now starting, building and growing a business. It's been hard. It's been a good hard, but we've been forced to do a lot of growing in a short period of time. Our foundation is so important to us and we've asked it to support a lot right now. I know it's strong, but I just want us to continue to grow and stay in love and laughter!

It's been a rough week trying to navigate CD's dad. I don't think he is a big JAL fan, which breaks my heart. I don't really need the dad's acceptance but it's so messy with me emotionally since mine is gone. It's sad to me. I guess I won't get into details b/c dirty laundry is best left in the basement and not in cyberspace.

We've talked a lot lately and I think the effin pig roast is going to become a trip to Napa Valley instead. We really wanted the wedding to be a place to bring our families together. We both are so passionate about having a non stressful wedding that would be fun and a chance to bring our family and friends into our lives. I don't think her dad is ready for what we want and we aren't going to force him to get on board or are we going to stand up in front of him and lie to ourselves about it. So considering it isn't legal, I'm sick of trying to explain to people we can still call it a wedding, and other minor variables - I think CD and I are going to CA - get married where we are considered equals and drink wine in Nappa. All in all, not a bad decision. Just a wee bit of a sad reason! We do reserve the right to have our effin pig roast when the universe decides to cooperate.

It's 8:00 am on a Saturday. It's time to step over my hurdle today and go open up our business.

Fighting Like Cats & Dogs

2008-09-10T21:18:00.002-04:00

I don't get why my dog and the cats can't learn. I don't think it's opposable thumbs that makes us wiser. I think it's our ability to learn and grow.

Example A: Nala, the cat, will walk down stairs in a stealth like manner over to the couch where London, the dog, sleeps. She is so sneaky to get so close to him and then lets out the world's loudest "MEOW"

And this is when all hell breaks loose. ALL HELL.

The dog goes wide eyed and crazy and jumps at the cat until she basically stops and swats at him. He then yelps like a scared girl, fights like crazy to catch his traction and changes direction the best he can. Sometimes he loses a little blood in this, sometimes she loses a little fur. But at the end of the day, nothing ever changes. The territory never shifts.

And then they do it again. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN. I've been sitting here for probably one hour trying to catch some Countdown and some Rachel - and these dumb kids are seriously going at it like cats and dogs. Except in the singular form.

Do they not learn? Is this really a lot of fun? As London sleeps on the couch next to me and Nala stares me down from the bottom stair, I'm forced to believe it is fun for them. There is a part of me that believes they do this simply to drive me crazy. And I have to admit if this is their intention, then they are doing a wham bam of a job.

Other than that, life is HECTIC. HECTIC. A good hectic? YES! But hectic all the same. Some times I feel like I'm a cat sneaking up on my list of 'to dos' and then the list springs off the couch and chases me till I realize I'm supposed to be chasing it and then it stops and changes direction. Sometimes things get done, sometimes the list evades me. And at the end of the day the number on my list remains the same. And then it happens again...and again...and again.

I do however, like to point out that I have opposable thumbs. (Only one of which I need to type!)

Check out the business sites! www.lifeisactive.com www.lifeisactive.blogspot.com

EVERYDAY......PROGRESS!

Will Garage Sale for Food....

2008-08-04T14:48:00.004-04:00

Well CD and I rocked the garage sale this past weekend. We are very grateful for all the donations and help we recieved. The goal since I quit my job has been to make enough money each week so that we aren't dipping into 'living expenses. We are on a good roll so far. With mowing lawns, freelance writing, massages and now the garage sale we are currently at the break even point. YAY! And of course, the selling of the car allows us a little breathing room. So I'm proud of us. We sold almost everything we wanted to. A couple of car loads of clothes to the salvation army and we'll be all done. And again, I'm so grateful for amazing family and friends!!! Our moms split time with us on the weekend and her dad grilled up a fabulous meal at the house yesterday when everything was over. It was wonderful to get to hang out with everyone, make a little money, and then have the table set, the wine poured and the food prepared!

Today we met with our marketing guy to go over our sales needs, stopped by the realtor to pick up our key and met her mom at our new place to go over the art we want for the place. We grabbed a quick lunch and walked the floor with our contractor going over our needs, our timeline and all that good stuff. W00t!

Maybe I'll blog a bit on BALANCE MASSAGE THERAPY! We want to make sure to keep that updated. So maybe I should work on the site a bit too. Oh it never ends. :-) :-) :-)

Ooohhh so much more to do today. The house is a little bit in shambles since we've been knee deep in garage saleing.

My haircut is kicking it today, btw. I look shagiffic.

Morning Dribble

2008-07-30T09:59:00.008-04:00

My mind is a wirl. I just took a second to post to The Effin Pig. CD and I have SO many things going in so many different directions right now that I want to make sure I don't neglect any of it.

.....everyday progress.....

We had friends over for dinner last night. It was nice. Good discussion, good wine and good food. CD made a shrimp boil. MMMMMMMMMMm....Yummy.

I'm censoring.

The end of last night took me back to my Women's Studies classes in college. A lot of heated passionate discussion with me kind of shaking my head and saying, "I don't get it" - I am more than thankful I took the classes and as I said last night, I learn the most when I dive into discussions or situations that are uncomfortable to me (A light bulb just went on in my head!). I do learn by asking questions and talking and debating and listening. There are still things I just don't understand the feelings behind though. And it's ok. Everyone has their own passion and their own voice they need heard.

Still slightly censoring...

Nish was in town over the weekend. It was so good catching up with her. We hadn't had just 'us' time in close to ten years. Unreal. I told her she just felt like home. We had lunch with my mom and grandma, ate some amazing food, hung out on the diag for hours, and even headed off to see some drag. We didn't lose a beat!

The house needs some tending too and I need to get online and fill out the apps for health care. It's very hard being responsible and grown up. But I wouldn't have it ANY OTHER way. I'm more than happy right now. I try to tell CD that all the time. I want her to know how happy 'us' makes me and the decisions we are making.

It was a big week for Crabby Ben....lease signed, phone number got, bank account opened....good stuff. And it's only Wednesday. Phew. No wonder I was exhausted by 6 yesterday.

Tonight CD's parents head to 'the ranch' to load stuff up from my mom's place to bring back here for the sale. SO MUCH WORK TO DO in the next few days.

I LOVE IT!

I asked CD out on a date. She said yes!

With that I leave to get the day officially started.

YES WE CAN!

2008-07-21T18:17:00.000-04:00

Yes. We. Can.

We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible odds; when we've been told that we're not ready, or that we shouldn't try, or that we can't, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people.

Yes we can.

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation. Yes we can. It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom through the darkest of nights.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballot; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality.

Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.

Yes we can heal this nation.

Yes we can repair this world.

Yes we can.

And so tomorrow, as we take this campaign South and West; as we learn that the struggles of the textile worker in Spartanburg are not so different than the plight of the dishwasher in Las Vegas; that the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in America's story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea

Yes.

We.

Can.

The good, the sad, and the memories....

2008-07-20T20:49:00.004-04:00

So I sold my car today. I guess in the 'big picture' it was the right move. It is getting older and has miles on it. A fair amount of miles, but enough for me to know that one day the ol' girl may not be all I want her to be. I do love this car though. I know it's not good to pine for 'things' - however, I think it's ok to recognize the role something has played in your life and give it the proper tribute it deserves. So that is what I choose to do now.

I bought this car when I was working in Chicago. I had gotten my first of many promotions and the money started to role in better than it had before. I had Kia Sportage that I'd bought just to be able to have a car to get home in case my parents needed me. However, after a winter of frozen doors and squeaky parts, I decided it was time to buy the car that I had printed out and posted to my monitor. The year prior I had found the Spyder at the Auto show and decided that this would become my goal. And so it was.

In March I decided it was time to start 'looking'. I got in my squeaky car drove it out the burbs and looked at my Spyder. The salesmen didn't so much as take my license or offer to ride with me, he just threw me the keys and told me to take it for a spin. Once on the road I knew this would be my car. I came back, worked out the deal I wanted and watched them unload everything from my Kia and load it into my Spyder. It was not yet warm enough to put the top down, but that is exactly what I did. I drove the car over to the Reids, put the top down and Dawn and I drove around the block. I was immediately in love.

When spring finally sprung my car, lakeshore drive and I became instant best friends. I took my car out every lunch for weeks to drive down lakeshore drive. It was amazing. To this day there is not a drive I look more forward to driving then lakeshore drive from the tip of it on the northside to the Museum of Science and Industry.....aghh....

In June I found out my dad was to have bypass surgery, I drove home to MI almost every weekend that summer. I came home to help out while dad recovered and by the end of that summer my car could almost drive the drive by itself. I knew what cd would take me which distance and how far I was into my drive by what song I was singing.

After my dad healed, my car and I settled back into normal Chicago living. When I bought my condo, I paid $20K just to park my baby. There was a moment I was living in my dream city with my dream condo and my dream car. And it was a dream come true.

Of course we all know that changed when dad passed. Moving back to MI I thought it was important to have a car that could get us around in the winter months, especially with grandma harley living off a country road. So I bought a Jeep Liberty 4x4 so we'd feel safe. I kept my car for the summer months and loved having a winter and summer car.

When I bought my house in A2, I remember parking my car and jeep in my garage and then stepping back onto the street to take it all in. I had a house in A2, a two car garage and no job. It was surreal. My grandma was insistent I didn't need two cars, I was heartfelt that I did.

For the past four years my car has been my last 'living' reminder of Chicago. It still had two of my city stickers in the window. I just couldn't take them off. Besides from them reminding me of that life, it also reminded me that it was my dad who insisted I keep the old stickers off of the window. He had this stuff, I don't even know what it was..but it was messy and stinky and it took the stickers off without effort. I just didn't have the heart to remove them without him.

The irony of my love affair for my car and me missing my father is that my dad never even liked my car. He never even sat in it. He was too tall. I 'think' he liked it, but he wasn't fond of it being a foreign car and so he appreciated it when I didn't park it in the parking lot of the store.

So....long story moderately long....

I sold my car today. I wanted to make sure it went to a good owner. It went to a local one from back home, so I may get to see it from time to time. I'm sad b/c I just gave up the final piece of that life. I'm happy b/c essentially it was done to start the new piece of it.

The money is going to be used to put toward our business. That has been the plan.

CD informs me that some day we'll get another one.

It's ok. (She says breathing deeply) I told myself the other day that I'd sell my car this week and I did. That's how it works. If you want something - say it - believe it - and watch it happen.

So CD says we'll get another one some day. In the meantime, I suppose putting my memories on 'paper' will help me and putting our goals down on paper will help us get to the next level.

So my next entry will be goal oriented. For now I'll no longer be sad I sold it, but glad I had it. Glad I'm blessed with the ability to set and meet my goals and ecstatic that I can start another round of the game.

And secretly I'm thankful daddy never liked it....... :-)

It it's Sunday....

2008-07-13T11:37:00.004-04:00

....................It's Meet The Process

The thing I like most about getting older is having a firm handle on who I am. It's taken years for me to get the level of self actualization that I'm currently at. It's good though, the older I get the more I understand when women say, "I wouldn't want to be 20, 25, 30...again" It's true. It's taken a lot of work to get to this point and I'm proud of it.

I'm currently in the middle of processing and processing and processing. My last day of work was on Friday and I have to start moving full tilt into getting Balance off the ground. I'm more than up for the challenge and very excited about the road that lay before me. There is just so much on the plate right now. Not just for Balance but for me and CD in general. There are save the date cards to think of and landscaping to worry about and windows that need fixing and a garage that needs to be cleaned and prepped and the list seriously goes on and on and on and on and on.... All that knowledge of my 'need' to do list mushed into my brain with the 'what have I done' list and I'm in full tilt processing mode.

I'm sure everyone processes differently, but I actually shut down. It's almost like when I'm starting something new my brain reboots. I think it'd be scary if I wasn't aware of it. I've slept for the better part of the last two days and i mean full on SLEEPING. Just waking up to do what needs to be done only to crash again. And I haven't fought it. I know the list isn't getting done, but I also know me well enough at this point to know that sometimes I have to stop completely before I can start up again. I don't even make excuses, I just admit I'm stuck for a bit and ride out the course.

Last night I took an amazing bubble bath in a tub I've been dreaming about since I first saw it. It took me back to my condo in a heartbeat and I 'soaked' it all in. I woke up to a living room that was so filled with light and warmth that it couldn't help but be a good day.

And my brain/body continues to process everything. Today could be the day I kick back in. I've reminded myself I'm on vacation for a week though so if not today, no harm..no foul. I will just let the process happen and write the parts that feel they need voice.

I feel good today though. I feel young. I feel like the pieces are starting to line up. I love that feeling. I love knowing that the plan is in my head formulating and I just have to let it happen and honestly that is how it feels. Sometimes when things are jumbled and the list is a mile long and I wonder "what am I going to do?" I just let it work itself out. It always does. It always comes together and I always know when the moment turns from thinking it through to acting. And that is one of my favorite feelings in the world. I love the moments when the plan comes together and the new challenge is making it work.

I've spent more time in prayer lately reflecting on what I've been blessed with and thanking the Lord for them.

There is another cup of coffee to be had, some more reflections to be made and then a day to be had. It's good. I'm happy. I'm blessed and I'm grateful for the mind I've been given. I'm grateful for the ability to recognize that sometimes it just takes time to find focus...it just takes patience and faith to find.....well to find BALANCE!

And kids....that's just what I'm going to do!

Lord - thank you again for the blessings of this life. Thank you for the network of family and friends you've given me to live and grow with. Thank you for your lessons, your undying love and commitment to me and for all the blessing you've bestowed upon me. Amen.

THE CURRENT

2008-06-24T14:39:00.003-04:00

Joellie wrote me today that Tim's (of Erin) dad died of complications from a minor surgery. Whenever someone close to me loses someone it just thrusts me back into the memory of loss and the feelings associated with it. It's been a week of loss with Tim Russert, CD's aunt and now Tim's dad. I've spent a lot of time crying, sitting in funeral homes and reflecting. Today I took a few minutes to just put down on paper my thoughts. I've always hoped that by going through loss at such an early age, I can be a comfort to others or be the support they need. I hope that is the case. I know what a tremendous support CD is for me! Today I wrote from experience and from the heart - hopeful if someone just starting down the path comes across it - they will know everything they are thinking, experiencing and about to go through are normal. They are personal and they are part of the process. My heart and prayers go out to E, Tim and his mom.

THE CURRENT

The news of death is a current that runs through your body. There is no other way to describe it then a bolt of energy that resonates through your entire being. I don’t have a memory of how long this feeling lasted, but I know it is what got me through the first few days. The numbness it created from deep in my soul to the tips of my fingers allowed me to take the actions I needed to take.

THE FIRST WEEK

The first week is spent in reflective moments. It is spent with a lot less tears than you’d imagine would accompany it. I spent a good part of my first week thinking about ‘how this time last week my dad was alive’. I took every opportunity to reflect on how a mere day ago, two days ago, three days, four days, five and six days ago my dad was still alive.

WEEK TWO

I think week two is when the realization begins to sink in. The reflection of the week prior turns into the awareness that a week ago my dad was dead. A week ago, mom called me, a week ago was the funeral; a week ago I remembered how a week prior my dad was alive. The shift from remembering him in life to that of missing him in death is when the current begins to fade.

HELL

Someone the first week noted to me that the first two weeks you are in shock and the next two months you are in hell and then you slowly start to heal. This could not be truer. As the numbness of all things progresses into the realization of the great loss you have suffered and the knowledge of the life change in front of you do feel like you’ve entered hell. If I could put down in words what this feels like, I wouldn’t. Besides being literally indescribable, grief is personal. Each person will mourn different than another as each person grieving a loss feels it differently. There were times I watched my mom shake and yell as if she were a caged animal. There were moments I sat and rocked myself and wailed for hours with tears and drool streaming down my face. My mom and I yelled and cried and fought for our sanity, my sister would maintain normalcy until she’d break and then pick herself up and try to find normalcy again. My grandma kept active. She mourned in private, she mourned in public, she talked about how great the loss was, but she remained active. All of us going through hell with each other and sometimes even in spite of each other.

THE FIRSTS

The first year is spent going through the first everything. From the first day of living without to the first Christmas, New Years, Father's Day, birthday ....everything. Breathing a sigh of relief each time you get through one and then gasping realizing another lurkes around the corner. The first year is about learning how to walk again. It's about taking in the tragedy and learning how you fit into it. The loss becomes the entity. The goal is to learn to live with it..for the first time...every time.

HEALING

Healing happens slowly. I used Hickory Market to heal. I had many moments alone with the memory of my dad. A lot of time to talk to him and to process. My mom used Hickory Market to tell her story. She’d talk of their love, of their journey she’d tell how she pulled in the store that day and saw him lying on the ground and how she knew. She’d tell people how she told the cop it was ok that she kneel next to him because ‘they were buddies” – Our store became a place for us to talk to others, for us to listen to their stories of loss, their stories of love and most importantly their stories of poppy. The first year was about healing within a state of shock, trying to figure out what was right and what we should be doing. As we’ve gotten used to the concept of healing as a slow process we are more aware of starting new traditions, honoring his memory and mourning through humor.

TODAY & TOMORROW

At my dad’s funeral I took solace from a friend of mine who had lost her dad about 6 months before mine. She hugged me and said; “I don’t know if this is going to help now, but it gets better” It does get better. It never gets good and the hurt never goes away. Slowly you learn to navigate the grief instead of being consumed by it. Today I can write these words through clear eyes and a heart full of love for my memories. Tomorrow, I could find myself upset without notice. I’ve realized that life is about now. I don’t know what I’ll find tomorrow, it could be the best day of my life or I could be faced with a jolt so strong the current will lead me. This has freed me to do the things I want to do, love the people I want to love and hopefully live the life I’m supposed to be living.

Crunchy Goodness

2008-06-23T18:36:00.003-04:00

CD and I are on a mission to eat everything in the house before we buy more things. It's a matter of saving money AND cleaning out the pantry/freezer/fridge. So it's going well except we've run out of anything crunchy.

I NEED MY CRUNCHY.

I need it. I need it like I need air. It can be crackers, cereal, chips, green peppers, pickles...I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS......................I JUST CRAVE IT.

Ok....it really is more than crave it is a need. My body needs crunchy.

So...I have to figure out the next step here. We are allowed to refill on basics..you know bread, onions, juices..the mandatory items that we cannot live without. I think I'm simply adding 'crunchy' to our next supplemental grocery list. OR...I'm going to start burning everything just to get the texture I need.

The garden is coming along nicely except the tomato plants. I'd like to talk more about that, but I'm still a little sad over it so choose not to give it any more life. I am still talking to and watering them with the love they deserve......so!

CD and I have had a VERY busy week. We are officially official even if we don't eat an effin pig till next May. We did the lawyer things, got everything signed and I carried her over the threshold. Yes that's right folks, we are as legit as we can possibly get.

Next up Life Insurance. Have I written that in my blog before? I feel so adultish lately. I've been having meetings with lawyers and architects and life insurance people. We are being so smart.

Oh and CD rocked the hardwoods the other day so I've reorganized the downstairs and have torn up the upstairs in the hopes of getting that looking HOT too. We are taking our "week off" to paint and get everything to my moms that needs to go there and from my moms that needs to go here. Grabbing a couple of bikes and a Turkish coffee maker from the Draybucks along the way.

We are looking around the house to see what we can take to the studio to save a little mula. Club chair is on the list! That saves a bit of loot, ya? Also we have an idea for the shelving in the rooms and I think that is going to be fantastic too. It's coming together.

The slow cooker cooks up some BBQ beef and beer. MMM smells good.

I can only HOPE it is crunchy.

At a loss for words...

2008-06-13T16:05:00.003-04:00

I'm devestated by the news that we lost Tim Russert today.

I can't believe it.

I've spent so many of my days watching Timmy and discussing politics because of him.

This past Sunday I was upset b/c the French Open trumped Meet The Press. However, flipping I found "The Tim Russert" show, so I settled in to watch him on that.

And now....

And now!

I think sadness is not the word to describe how I feel. It isn't quite complete enough.

If It's Sunday...

Figuring stuff out...

2008-06-04T10:03:00.009-04:00

Figuring out life is hard. Single.

It's hard figuring out what decisions are the right ones and it's hard remaining responsible and it's hard finding the time to be a good daughter, sister, granddaughter and friend. It's hard.

Figuring out life with someone is hard.

It's hard figuring out what decisions are the right ones and it's hard remaining responsible and it's hard finding the time to be a good daughter, sister, granddaughter and friend. It's hard.

The difference is being able to look across the table at someone and feel love and support from your partner. The challenge is working through everything without screwing things up. And the fear is screwing things up.

The scary thing is screwing things up is so much easier too. It's so much easier to fuck up, know it and not fix it. It takes a lot to mess up, admit it and fix it. I think so many couples fail b/c instead of recognizing that f'ong up is part of the process, they panic, deny and pretend things are ok. I don't want to be one of those people. My pride wants me to be, my ego begs me to be, but my heart reminds me that when I hang out with my ID and SUPEREGO I'm still alone.

Thank god for my heart, whom I call Christin.

Last night CD and I allowed us to be us. We put Crabby Ben down for a nap and just played. We cooked dinner together, we had some wine, played some chess, some cards, talked politics, laughed, danced and reminded ourselves who WE are. And we are GOOD together.

I think this week through all the stress and fighting to work through my fear, I've realized that at time, we just need to put Crabby Ben down every now and again spend time focusing on each other. We have to continue to make time for us to enjoy the life we are working so hard to create for each other.

It's about today. It's about our choices today. Our happiness today. About us...today.

Allow me to reiterate...

2008-05-28T07:24:00.002-04:00

Progress - not perfection!

Everyday - progress. Everyday - prayer. Everyday - belief.

Everyday - growth. Everyday - patience. Everyday - journey.

Somethings are worth battling for - as long as there is growth.

And I can only pray that is always the case.

Big Windy Living

2008-05-19T12:22:00.002-04:00

CD and I rolled like rockstars in Chicago this past weekend. We kicked it JAL old school and had a ton of fun!

It was so great to enjoy the city like I used to. I'm so happy all the feelings of sadness and reservation towards Chicago have been replaced with happy memories and the realization that Chicago is a short drive away...ANY TIME WE WANT.

We do talk about doing summers in Chicago. We know it will take a lot of work to get to that point, but it is a goal on the horizon so we'll see if we keep heading that direction.

I'm so happy CD enjoys the city as much as I do. I think she enjoys the feel of being able to live it when she goes and not feel like a tourist. We did play on MI AVE a bit, but just to hang with Tiffany's and show her the best view of the city....(Women's' bathroom...top of the cock..baby!)

It's simply amazing to me that when I'm there, I feel like I never left and THAT is how I could have only wished it to be. I could not imagine 3.5 years ago that I'd ever feel this way again. God provides!

E's condo is so f-ing cool! HEART of Wrigleyville, roof top view to die for and a parking spot! i mean COME ON....GOOD job e-bones! (And Tim too!)

It's good. It's all good. That's what I learned form this weekend.

CD and I exchange the rings tonight. I'm so excited. I'm so happy. I'm so blessed. I'm so in love.

I really am grateful that my healing has led me here.

On a Crabby Ben note, we are kicking ass, I must say. CD and I have taken control of our destiny, are working on steps each day, and are realizing just how much potential we have and are ecstatic by knowing our reward is a direct result of our dreams, vision and hard work.

HORRRY COW! Things are good.

Welcome Crabby Ben, now please have a seat over there

2008-05-07T20:45:00.005-04:00

I'm writing a pause into this here Blog. Crabby Ben was officially born today. However, I don't quite know his path. CD and I didn't sign yet.

All dressed up and nowhere to go. There was a mix up followed by a mis step followed by some hardball (HA!) and now we wait.

Didn't I say hurry up and wait earlier? Well I meant it.

I seriously sat down at a table today with a pen ready to sign, almost four hours later I have no clue what we are doing next.

So I'm going to do some research online, say a few prayers and most likely SLEEP. I should be, however, cleaning up things I spilled, Fixing the tripped switch on the garbage disposal, doing dishes, buying dental floss, doing laundry, and various 'other' things that CALL my name.

Meanwhile the Tigers are getting ready to lose the lead, the Pistons are getting routed, my teeth KILL from the dentist, my power cord STILL doesn't charge my batter (Thanks Best Buy for FIXING that), my dog decided he'd rather sleep on the floor than curled up next to me, Chebeir is out of the country so I can't call and vent..... Oh and have I mentioned CD not only closes tonight but tomorrow too? FUN!

It's not as bad as it sounds. Well it may be right now, but whatevs that's what happens. The Tigs will hold on, the Pistons will come back, my aching teeth will subside, Lonnie is bound to get cold and need me. I can figure out SKYPE and chat with BPC and THIS is CD's last week of two night closes. So......i just have to f'ing punch Best Buy in the head and we'll be all set.

Tomorrow will tell a new tale. Interestingly enough, I have no clue what that is.

I just hope no one lies to me. That's all I ask for tomorrow. Business through truth. Simple.

It's fitting that on Crabby Ben's first day....I am in fact CRABBY!

I'll take it!

It's Alive! ALIVE!

2008-05-07T07:47:00.004-04:00

CD and I sign the papers today. It's crazy. Tomorrow we wire the money, officially making us business owners. What up with that Senator?

It's great. It's crazy. It's scary. It's exciting. It's happening!

After this week we'll be in the hurry up wait will kick in for a bit.

We'll get our welcome packet though and get 'in the system' as they say. So we'll have email and official business cards and all that lovely stuff that we can use to start the marketing campaign of the century.

The next six months are going to be something to behold. I pray we have the patience necessary to work these months with grace and a business savvy that isn't seen too often.

Lots of other things happening in our lives too, so we have to make sure to remain present to all of it! And to enjoy it.

Today the LLC paper work is sent. Crabby Ben is official! This makes me so happy. I heart Crabby Ben!

Oh and I heart CD too. I best wake her up so we can start the day.....as business owners!

W00t!

Hooray Life!

2008-05-03T09:31:00.004-04:00

We cleaned the office last night! Hooray!

CD has changed her Bou schedule no more two night closes. Hooray!

I'm going to be an Aunty! Hooray!

The money is in position to move! Hooray!

Tim got us tkts to the Cubs game. Hooray! (Cubs Whoo!)

The view from our windows is GREEN GREEN GREEN! Hooray!

Life is what we make it. We are making it a life worth living. Hooray!

Hooray Life!

Happy Birthday Crabby Ben

2008-04-26T22:20:00.002-04:00

We bought Crabby Ben his first present today. I don't think his official birthday is going to be until May, however, he needed a new computer to help birth him. And so a new computer he received.

This is being written on the fancy new Imac. I thought it'd be ok to get a computer to get the business thing in order, CD's only request was that we look at macs. So after much looking and talking we decided to go with the Imac. It's going to look SWELL gracing the front desk of our Elements.

I said to CD tonight. I feel like one of those toy cars that you pull back on to wind up. I feel like I'm ready to be set free. However, we still have a few days (week or two) to keep winding up before we are ready to tear it up. I am more than happy with the progress lately though. We just keep inching towards the goal.

On a tech note...I'm so thrilled that Microsoft office now runs on macs. It is a great marriage! I'm still learning, but it's been oh so much fun.

Totally feels like a Sunday today, happy to know that I have all day tomorrow to knock some stuff off the list.

I wonder what Crabby Ben will be like during the terrible two?

17 has turned 33

2008-04-16T11:53:00.005-04:00

I'm surprised that we're still living......

Oh life....i love you. Even if you are flying by faster than I thought you would. Dad warned me early how fast it'd go. That man was right 99% of the time. I love me my poppy!

I find myself tying to find the best place to buy the Life Doc book. How amazing...one book that will hold all my vital information. Could anything be more thrilling to me? I have just found they sell them at Target...does the good news ever end?

Erin offered 'Walking Stick' for us to have the wedding at. It's something to think about. Gives us much more room and has potential. We'll chew it over. She was so happy for us. THAT is the response I've been hoping for! And...I got it!

Lonnie turned 4 yesterday. We had a little cookout in the back yard for him. Busted out the ol' firepit and fired it up. We grilled us some hotdogs over it, sat back and had a beer. We brought Lonnie's boat out, hitched him up gave him some hotdog and hung out with the boy. After the cookout we got him an ice cream cone. It's good to be four. Today though, it was back to work for him. He has a lot of responsibility guarding the house and 'being in charge' - He does good work!

I'm so happy the weather is starting to turn. It's lovely. I've been chipping away ever so slowly on the yard work and have big plans to get the porch tidied up a bit and change out the windows to screens.

Oh and speaking of the back porch..the ROBBIES HAVE NESTED AGAIN! Some how last year the nest never got completed. I'd see it started and then wind would take it away. I thought we may have the same thing this year, but yesterday when I was getting the fire pit set up I noticed a full nest ready to roll and today.......ROBBIES IN THE NEST. No eggs yet, but I'm so excited. CD heard an ear full last night about how great it is and the different stages. YAY! So happy!

I guess not too much else to talk about at the moment. I have a few things to tend to before calling it a day. Red Winds are losing...Tigers are winning. I almost wish they'd flip flop again for a bit or........MAYBE THEY BOTH WIN! Hmmmm

Oh yes.....one last GOOD NEWS bit before the eve draws to a close. CD and I are off to Chicago May 16th. I could not be happier or more excited. I'm still working on the details for the 16th. A nice dinner, a museum and a night on the town to be followed up with a Cubs game and day of fun with Tim/Erin & Mike/Jo. Yay! This time going back to Chicago is met with an amazing feeling of excitement, not the nervous anticipation that met me last year. I love that it is so close and love even more that CD and I often talk about expanding our empire into the Chicago market at some point, "Summers in Chicago" is definitely on the mid term/long term goal list.

DOES THE GOOD NEWS EVER END?

I can't even write of the other bit of good news until May 2nd. But stay tuned. It only gets better.

Dear Lord...I am ever grateful of the life you have given me, the lessons you have taught me, the people I have surrounded myself by and the love and graciousness you have bestowed upon all of us. Thank you for your words, your son, and your undying love. I love you with my mind, my heart, my body and my soul. Amen.

Crabby Ben meets the parents....

2008-04-12T14:49:00.008-04:00

So a mere week ago we had the families over to talk about all that will become the Josie and Chris empire. Yes, that's right, I said it. Our Empire! Go Team!

The meeting of the families went well. The parents have met before, however, this was the first time the sisters came together. I'd say it was a success. Besides some good laughs we got a lot of questions answered too. And I think that was more than helpful for all of us.

So now....so now the $$$$$$$$$$$ portion of the program comes in to play. That's cool. That's where we are...so that's where we go.

My lab results came back good. Now just have to continue to manage the BP. Think I'll go back to the doctor's next week to discuss that with him.

But I guess that has nothing to do with Crabby Ben.

I just think we are so close with everything and I just want us to be healthy. I know this is going to be stressful, hell, it's been a bit stressful already. So....trying to be smart even with the things I HATE doing.

Maybe this post should be, "Josie Ann" grows up. Or is starting to at least.

Sigh....speaking of growing up I need to work my way upstairs and do that thing I hate most of all....putting laundry away. WHY oh WHY do I hate that so?

CD works. JAL launders. Thank God I have that dumb dog, those crappy Tigers and the mighty mighty Red Wings to keep me company.

05.16.09

2008-04-10T18:42:00.002-04:00

The effin date has been set! Nuff said!

Throw another log on that fire.....

2008-03-31T10:51:00.005-04:00

Dry wood burns FAST. Let me start by saying that. Oh and good wine drinks fast.

We packed it up and headed to Rose City over the weekend. I now realize the snow up north is different than ours. They never really get rid of it. It just melts and compresses and hardens before more snow falls on top of that, melts compresses and hardens. Long story...hard lesson short...don't be macho and think you can drive through the 'harmless' piles of snow blocking the driveway. You can't.

We crazy burned through the wood over the weekend. CRAZY. CD jokes that putting more wood on the fire became her hobby. It was great except for the three or four in the morning panicked frozen moments of realization that the fire was out. Who knew a room could go from 80 degrees to negative fourteen in one REM cycle. Actually, we knew that quite well by the end of the first night.

I also learned there are two distinct approaches to building a fire. My fires were beautiful to look at. You could gaze at it, sip on wine and discuss life's twists and turns. CD's fires were raging hell fires. Looking into her fires made you want to repent.

Weekends away are good and necessary. AND needed much more often. Once we sign on for the business we are going to be non stop work for a good year and a half. We both know this. And yet, we need to figure out how to get away, chuck a million logs on the fire, sip some fine wine and discuss life's journey in front of CD's raging fires of hell. Who knew hell could be heaven on earth?

And the beat goes on....

The Hare & The Crabby Ben

2008-03-25T10:46:00.004-04:00

We inched a step closer last night to the finish line. Of course, we haven't actually paid the entrance fee to the race yet. So we are unofficially racing without a bib or a chip. And yet, we are racing, even if at a v e r y s l o w p a c e......

We've been thoroughly looking at this opportunity for 3 1/2 months now. I guess it technically isn't that long of a time and it probably is the most responsible way to handle it. The scary part comes next. We've spent the time learning about the concept, meeting the people, reading the documents and talking out loud. Next becomes the part where we dig DEEP into our pockets, put all our cards on the table and go for broke. Literally.

Before the money is handed over though, we have one more round of thinking and talking and weighing all the possible options and outcomes. This round we are inviting the family to be a part of. This could be interesting in itself let alone tacking on the seriousness of the subject matter. We head up north this weekend to get a little calm, quiet and a chance to put our thoughts together.

Slow and steady...Crabby Ben....slow and steady.

I like how we are processing this. I like how we are really talking about and thinking about all the components of us and the business that need to come together to make this work. We are looking at the big picture while carefully putting each piece in place. We've been really honest about our expectations and our fears and I have to tell you....that can be hard to do. It's good though b/c when I look at the person sitting across from me I know she wants this as bad as I do, I know she is as scared as I am, and I know she 'gets' what its going to take to make it work.

Now we just have to keep walking.......

What I know..

2008-03-10T18:03:00.002-04:00

Granted it may not be a lot and it may not even be tangible, but with the clarity (or lack there of) that I have right now....THIS IS WHAT I KNOW.

1. Risk is scary. I also know it is right.
2. Poppy would have liked CD.
3. When my stomach is mad at me, it is not a good day.
4. I have to lower my blood pressure.
5. The feeling of being loved makes everything alright.
6. My dog is dumb.
7. Church is essential.
8. I have so much yet to figure out.
9. I want Jeff Conaway to remain clean and sober.
10. Detroit isn't as scary as it once was.
11. SK's resume awaits me.

I'm sick today. Some type of flu more exhaustion and upset tummy then actually vomiting. I'm grateful for that but EXHAUSTED. Have been in bed for well over 30 hours. I'm awake now just not enough energy to be productive. And my list of "to dos" continue to to grow. Isn't that always the case. I hope this doesn't turn into anything worse and that I can out sleep it. It's actually not to my advantage to have it light so late right now. I'd be happy if the room was pitch black. Ironically I just went to the Dr's for the first time in four years on Friday. And now I'm sick. Money has that I picked up something there. I hope CD doesn't get it. Yet I want her close to me when I don't feel good. Slightly selfish, I know.

I know that things are good right now..even with the risk...the flu...the crappy current job..and high blood pressure. I know that b/c I know we are doing what we can to make all of those things better.

Ok. I have to go now.

Focus.

Crabby Ben Goes To Denver

2008-03-06T23:04:00.002-05:00

Well CD and I are back from our whirlwind trip to Denver to meet with the Elements crew. It was a good trip. Lots of info to take in and process. We've decided to take the next month and try to get everything in order. There is so much to think about when deciding to make a major life/career change. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. The possibilities of it all keep my mind ever racing. A good racing. A strap me in and show me the open road racing. However, the realization that WE are going to be the only people responsible for paying all the bills has my mind racing in the...'why the hell is it so hot in here...holy shit are those flames under the hood' kind of way. I guess it comes down to risk, pressure and reward. You really have to know yourself and what type of circumstances bring out the best and worst in you. I'm confident over the years I've found that I really want the opportunity to thrive in my own business. I want the challenge, however, I think being ever so fearful of the realization is a healthy component to success. No risk...no pressure..no reward. If only the economy wasn't in the crapper.

We can do it though.

In fact we are on the path to make it happen. It's impressive to know what you can accomplish when you make a decision to accomplish it. I'm thankful my life has been a series of those lessons. I'm truly blessed in that regard.

I went to the 'bou tonight to work on the bad kennedy's resume. That place still holds a sense of community for me. I knew more people in there than I didn't. I laughed and caught up with people and just had a good time, all the while plugging away on SK's resume. It's so good to know that the cafe job and atmosphere really is for me and that we are on that path too. We are really on that path. I can see everything in front of us. I just want us to remain happy and healthy and realistic. If we remain those three things we'll bend but we will not break.

I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else. That is a very good feeling to have. I need her to make this work. I look forward to giving all we have to be successful and then living every moment with her enjoying the rewards of our efforts. Having a life and memories with her are so worth the risk.

I cannot even begin to stress that enough.

Radical

2008-03-04T13:57:00.001-05:00

Thank God for song!

It's all right, we're gonna be fine..But let's give my mama and my daddy a little time. 'Cause I've been good up 'till now. They see you and they think that I have changed somehow. But I'm not being radical when I kiss youI don't love you to make a point. It's the hollow of my heart that cries when I miss you. And it keeps me alive when we're apart. We go downtown, some people they stare. But there are lots of people who really don't care. I just want to hold your handI don't feel like making some big stand. 'Cause I'm not being radical when I kiss you. I don't love you to make a point. It's the hollow of my heart that cries when I miss you. And it keeps me alive when we're apart.It's all right, we're gonna be fine. Even if this world is taking so much time. And though I mind what people sayLove is stronger than any words anyway. And I'm not radical when I kiss you. I don't love you to make a point. It's the hollow of my heart that cries when I miss you. And it keeps me alive when we're apart.

What's Preventing You?

2008-01-30T12:28:00.000-05:00

A few months ago a gentlemen walked into our offices and asked my colleague Joe if the motorcycle in the parking lot was his. Joe replied, "I wish" to which the gentlemen calmly answered, "What's preventing you?"

I wonder if I've written on this before. I think of it so often. I think of the power behind that phrase. "What's preventing you"

What I like most about asking someone that question is that it makes them stop and think. So many small-talk, office-filled conversations are rote. They are the same idle chit chat you give to every human you have to have interaction with outside of your control. We mindlessly wander through so many exchanges in our lives, so the ones that stop us and force us to think about our last answer - are worth noting. "What's preventing you"

Joe stopped and thought and gave a nice comedic response to why he didn't have a motorcycle, "My wife's preventing me" he answered with a laugh. But it was his pause and thought that caught me as much as the question. He really stopped to think for a second about what prevented him.

I immediately turned around grabbed the label maker and printed out a "What's preventing you" label and placed it on my monitor. I want this question to look me in the eye, to stop and make me pause when I start going down life's road without thinking about the journey.

CD and I have spent so much time lately talking about our journey and our next steps and our current positions and where we want to go. We are firmly looking the "What's preventing you?" question squarely in the eye and answering it at every level. If lack of information is preventing us we are researching, asking questions and meeting with people. If lack of money is preventing us, we are lining up our asses ts, tightening our budget, and talking to banks. The hardest one so far is just the overall stress and discouragement of the process that sometimes makes us want to slow..but then we realize it is that we are the only thing preventing ourselves so we pep talk each other and remind one another that we have so much potential, we are so blessed and we are learning lessons.

Ever true to the telling of a dead dad ditty....I have thought so often about how when my dad died it didn't matter if he had 50 dollars, 50,000 dollars or 50 cents in his pocket. When his worldly journey was over - all of that didn't matter. What mattered is that he and my mom decided at a young age they wanted to buy a business and raise their family in it. They wanted to be around for their kids when they were growing up. They had so many factors that could have prevented them. My dad had a college degree and my grandma would have much preferred he teach. They had just built a new house that they would have to sell. My mom would have to give up her job. They would have to learn to work together, live together and take on the challenge of a new baby. But they didn't let any of that prevent them.

As CD and I go through this process of finding ourselves our careers and our life together, I actually can feel the lessons of my parents. I can imagine them sitting across the table at each other and going over all their risks and all the options before them. I can imagine them crying at times and giddy with excitement at others. But most of all I am blessed enough to be able to look at the living lesson they provided for me and know that through hard work, love and sacrifice you can make your goals a reality.

I keep reminding us to look at where we were a year ago; where we were three months from now and remember the growth, learn from the setbacks and be ever so grateful for each and every lesson. Especially those that make you stop in your normal routine and question "What is preventing you?"

Crabby Ben, LLC - BALLS OUT BABY.

HAPPY NEW YEAR - BALLS OUT '08

2008-01-02T11:06:00.000-05:00

I feel somewhat guilty posting this from work b/c I'm determined to set good routines and make sure I'm working the most effectively and efficiently I can in '08. However, I feel this short piece is written with the spirit that embraces that mentality.

Yesterday had to be one of the most relaxing days we've seen around the ol homestead in a while. And it was lovely.

Today is a new day. A determined day. A day that begins the "Balls Out" mantra we are using in '08. Without developing the sickly habit of talking in cliches, we are leaving everything on the field! CD and I have big dreams it's time to go get them.

Charlie told me the other day that we could essentially be creating a job for ourselves. I may be ok with that for now.

As long as we are smart about the steps. As long as we take steps.

I keep saying to CD, we just have to control the variables we can and direct them the way we need them directed, everything else that life throws at us we will deal with the best way we can.

And we have each other, and truthfully, that's all I need to know.

The Adventures of Crabby Ben

2007-12-28T15:35:00.000-05:00

CD and I have decided we are ready to stop working for the man and become the man, if you will. We are combining her amazing skills as a massage therapist with my business savvy and entrepreneurial dreams and looking to open our own Elements Franchise. We are in the early stages of meeting with people, bankers, seeking advice, being excited, humbled and humbly excited. We have decided '08 will be "balls out" in the spirit of being 'the man', apparently. But with that said we are taking steps to make this dream a reality and tracking our questions/thoughts/needs/concerns/victories in a little journal as shown above. I have named that sour looking puss "Ben". And I love him. And he loves me.

Crabby Ben will tell the tale of our journey. And if lucky, Crabby Ben will be signing the paychecks as Crabby Ben LLC, becomes our 'man'.

Have I mentioned lately that we rule? Albeit a little more humble then before.

THE EFFIN PIG ROAST

2007-12-17T14:22:00.000-05:00

It's official. Me & CD have decided Summer '09 we are rounding up all our friends, roasting a hell out of a pig, drinking fine wine and good beer, saying a few lovely words full of sentiment and making it EFFIN OFFICIAL.

Look for your "SAVE THE EFFIN DATE" postcard.

(And T-shirts.....everyone is going to EFFIN love the T-shirts)

It's going to be laid back and fun and perfect and EFFIN AMAZING!

Mark my words.

I'm exicted. We've had so much fun the past few days working on some details. We've laughed SO hard already. THIS is how it should be.

FIRSTLY though...............off to Chitown in the next couple of months to get the EFFIN rings.

We rule.

10 Things

2007-11-21T11:22:00.000-05:00

I don't want to leave on such a dreary note considering it is Thanksgiving time and I do have a lot to be thankful for. So I shall take the advice my mom was gave me when I was feeling all gloom and doom and she said to take s second to write down 10 things I was thankful for.

So here are 10 of the many things I am ever grateful for.

1. Trader Joes
2. That E and I are talking again.
3. Seasons
4. The love and friendship of CD
5. Music
6. Lloyd Carr retiring
7. Financial Stability
8. The ability to reason and learn
9. My memories
10. Pizza

There are many more, but today I just want to leave on the note of Pizza. B/c let's be honest. I REALLY am grateful for that.

Three Years...13 Days....

2007-11-21T10:13:00.000-05:00

The phone rang this morning at work and someone asked for Matt. Without thought I gave the rote response, "Matt is not here today is there something someone else can help you with?"

And that is the point where the day shifted focus.

"Well Matt is my insurance agent, and my husband just passed away so I'd like to speak with him"

Exit wind from lungs.

Even going through this, I could only mutter "I'm so sorry" in a manner that couldn't possible relate to her how sorry I am, how 'in the moment' I am with her or how she has reached my prayers and my heart hurts for her loss. I passed her on to Wendy to process the necessary paper work, and sat down in thought.

He died on the 17th. Three years 13 days after my father. My journey is 1108 days ahead of her, and, at times, I still find myself crawling down the road needing a loving hand to help me up.

My sister has often said to me that she knows she can get through anything b/c she has survived the loss of my father. We are amazed how strong humans are. Amazed by how you survive b/c there is no other option.

Jamie often describes the feeling of that day as having a current run through your body. When you get 'that call' you just are different. Physiologically and emotionally you start to walk down a different path. We are on day 1108.

The woman that called today is on day four. I remember day four so well. I remember day five and six and seven, I remember thinking, "It's been 37 days since dad died" or "Tomorrow marks the 19th week" . I don't remember at which day in the journey I started to let that go. But for a long part of the initial walk it is all you cling to, "Three weeks ago today, Dad was still alive" or "6 months ago today is the last time I saw him" - I still find myself doing it. When we just went through our 3 year mark, I spent several nights remembering and 'reliving' my last moments with him, his last moments with my mom and praying how he lived HIS last moments.

1112 is the actually number of days of my walk so far....it's hard to believe. Not any less hard than it was on any of those other days.

I should be on strike....

2007-11-06T20:33:00.000-05:00

As many of you may not know, in some circles I am a very famous sitcom writer. Which, in turn, means I am on strike. I'm not sure what to do with my strike time, so I decided to write. I've spent a few hours out side of my house with a picket sign, but the neighbors don't seem impressed.

Yes, "Empty Zoo", so named from an evening spent with a Ouija board and some amazing plot lines was birthed in Chicago. Amazingly enough, I think Apple and I actually constructed the sitcom correctly although, at the time, we were had no clue what we were doing and yet we kept doing it on a very committed level. Nights in the back room of Wrigleyville, one night spent at Union Station, a few nights a PT and many more emails of character development, story line creation and dialogue. OH man could we write a sitcom. I still am convinced that it is better than most of the stuff on the tele. We even began episode two so when the pitch went so well we'd be able to run with a mini season. But then we kinda decided we didn't want to move to LA and be famous just yet. So maybe today is the day....I mean they are in need of writers. I am in need of a real job and LA must be in need of a midwest girl. Right? CA can never get enough of us.
I'd share now with you the wonderment that was Empty Zoo, but sticking to my morals I simply cannot write any of it, for I am on strike. Please STAY WITH ME PEOPLE!

I'm in love with John Mayer. Hmmm...I wonder if he can write music. Maybe Mayer has his own union. Hmmmph...now that's a union I'd like to be a part of. Wait. What?

Speaking of straight unions....can someone tell me why there are different rules? WHY? Why do we talk about the straight vs. gay unions so differently. Why even when discussing relationships do we treat them differently? Why can SK hold the hand of her very cute boy and have him rub her back and CD when asked where she lives answered with "at her house" with a point towards me. "At her house?", funny last I checked this was our house. Even living it her whole life she isn't comfortable enough to play by the same rules that others have. And why does it matter.

Her mom is so great to us. Her whole family is. But there is still a different sense of "Amy & Pete" in discussion then when we are talked about. There can be stories of cousins getting married or moving in without so much as a nod to where we are. I'm always amazed how conversation about getting along with the inlawas can happen around us with different rules.

And why? Why are they there? Seriously? I don't say it dramatically, I don't say it heart brokenly, I say it very confused-edly. I do it too. I do it so often without thought. It may be fear, it may be some sort of uncomfortableness or it may be me conforming to the rules of the game. I'm not much of a rule breaker, hell, I'm even on strike.

I do love John Mayer though. I'm not sure what he was doing with Jessica Simpson. Of course, I'm not sure what Nick was doing with her too. Now that chick needs different rules. Not me. I'm normal. I'm a normal loving sitcom writer on strike who lives in 'her house'. Nothing wrong with that.

Wonder what the ol Ouija board will say tonight..... let's hope to God I don't get a sitcom ghost. Unless of course it's Lucy. I love her. But doesn't everyone?

Off to the land of the net to find some type of social circle in this damn town, or comedy troupe, or writer's group...seriously....that one isn't even a joke. Which is good, b/c it's not even funny.

I leave myself now. Oh how I'll miss me.

I declare it "That Time"

2007-10-22T20:18:00.000-04:00

So it's October 22nd. Some may argure this date is a little 'too early' for Christmas music. I, on the other hand, contend that it is never too early to let heaven and nature sing. Yes, dumbledorfs...or humbuggers, or some variation of a word that is meant to slightly offend and amuse at the same time, sleigh bells ring....Aren't You Listening!?!

So you have heard it hear first, barring the "Christmas in July" fools ,it is time to ring in the sounds of Christmas. The weary world rejoices.

Now comes the tricky part...who wins this years 'O Holy Night'. Clay Aiken sings a mighty tune, Jewel brings the interlochen charm, but still Miss Carey sings her heart out on this. If you have not heard it, I pray you...fall on your knees...hear the angel voices.

I'm up for others though to throw their hat in the ring. My goal this time of year is to collect all my Chrismas music in one place. (Let's not discuss how this should be a contium of hard drive or Ipod please) Once it is gathered, ripped, burned, reviewed I go about looking to see what new cd(s) I can purchase this year. I remember the good ol days of being able to afford Raphsody. Once a day as in olden days....happy golden days of yore....but alas..this simple life can't quite afford that. So budget it is....and mass email all my comrads for their christmas cds. Which, leads me full tilt...I am to be humbugged with mass emails back declaring, "it's too early."

So it is offically decalred "That Time" ...That time to let the calm, peace, happiness and warmth that is the season embrace us....Emmanuel, God With Us!

Chasing everything is exhausting...

2007-10-21T17:45:00.001-04:00

You know love comes along just when you're taking a breath.

I'm feel so messed up, I can't get clear. And I don't know what to do b/c I'm neck deep in fear. But with every little bang every little push every little step I take I get closer. You get it's not about you it's just me fighting me fighting me fighting me out here.

I've been out here wandering around this whole time pretending I've got me a grand plan. But I don't know what I'm doing. It's like I'm just drifting out. The currents got my body but I'm too tired to swim or shout, but I can see you waiting at the shore line and calling me home.

Theres a flickering light bouncing off the table into your eyes and I can't help but want to catch it. When you fold me in your arms and dig your soul into my back all the noises in my head stop to listen to my heart. Stretching out..giving in. Look this of love ours, I do believe I'm settling in.

After 4 months of talking, with out knowing how'd we kiss, I was holding on with everything. Changed my clothes three times before I left.

So after one year, so much has changed. All I thought I needed has been erased. Cause you have filled a space I never knew I had. You know you make me feel like the only show in town. You have my heart. And nothings gonna get in our way.

Revisiting myself

2007-08-14T22:29:00.000-04:00

Sometimes we are forced to adapt to our initial reaction. I think this is the hardest adaptation there is. As animals our guts often provide us with the survival instincts we need, however, as humans it sometimes can create the drama we find ourselves swirling in.

I wrote this piece in the summer of '05. I was sitting in Hickory Market trying to figure out how to juggle my constant grief with all the excitement that was going on in the lives of my friends. I didn't want my grief to translate into resentment for them and I wasn't quite sure how to go about not letting that happen. I remember taking a 'vacation' from everyone for a week or so. I left a message on my phone letting people know I just needed a little time to myself, but I'd call them back when I decided to re emerge. I wasn't sure how long I'd need to get over that pain in my gut every time I had to hear one of my friends tell me a summer story. It was horrible. I knew it wasn't healthy for me or my relationships. I knew I was facing a piece of my personality that scared me and it was going to be a challenge to take a hard look at myself and to try to absorb it and start to change it. I remember a lot of time focused in prayer.

Lately, I've discovered another piece of my personality that I realize needs work. I don't really know how to describe it except it is intense anger that comes from feelings of frustration and hurt. The anger interrupts the ability to see and work the issue as needed. I think, again, it can't be good for my health. I'm not going to say that the frustration and hurt aren't valid responses to situations, but it's the deep down intense growing and erupting anger that scares me. Scares me. I don't even like writing it, but today when I was praying about it I decided to just read my old blogs for perspective. That is when I found the opening line of this blog that reminded me that my initial reaction sometimes needs to be adapted. I think that is what I'm revisiting right now. I am inadvertently creating drama but not tampering my growing anger.

I need to pray on this. I need to find an outlet right now while we work through these things. I also have to remember that everyone is wounded. I carry the death of my father, CD that of her brother. We come at every situation with that wound on our hearts. It's important to remember we are all human and vulnerable and we need to work on building each other up and understanding issues from the other perspective and recognizing that change requires motivation and effort and praise and, maybe most importantly patience. And while that change is in progress we have to keep it in the forefront, use prayer to help foster it and I have to remember to check my initial reaction to negative situations.

I still think I'm going to find an outlet. I'm thinking of doing improv again or a writing class. I need that creative outlet and I need to make friends. With the SF job going full time and my nights/weekends freeing up like normal again, it may be time to just revisit fun/social Josie as well!

Something's gotta give

2007-03-30T23:19:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in C-bou trying to get some stuff done and my baby is working the counter. My heart is happy to know this job brought me to her. I try to remember that pushing harder would have led me out of here quicker, and in turn, would have left my heart with an empty place. We are working so hard right now on creating a relationship based on the lessons of love and partnership that both of our parents offered to us. I'm proud of us for knowing that this is going to take a lot of work and for working at it and not just expecting things to be easy. I love this relationship, it's good for me. It's forcing me to grow as a person and within a couple.

Outside of that though, I have to question what I think I'm doing at C-bou. WHAT AM I STILL DOING HERE? Where am I? What happened to my goals? Where did I go? WHERE DID I GO? My inner (defensive) self counters with, "You're still here you moron, stop making excuses and LISTEN to me" - I hear you inner self, I hear you.

SO why at 32 (YIKES) am I here? Where is my passion? Where is my drive? (I hear you inner self, I hear you) - So what then? I'm too busy making excuses to live? I'm so bloody scared of failing I'd rather remain stuck? Let's turn that into a statment. I'm so bloody scared of failing I'd rather remaing stuck. Shit. That sucks. Calling JOSIE ANN LEE. (Pipe down innerself, I hear you) I need Nisha's voice. I need to hear her tell me I have more potential. I need someone to kick me in the ass. No. I need to stop looking for blame and I need to stop dancing around my own land minds. Maybe I need Heather Mills to adopt my minefields. I had this great idea for a show the other day. EXTREME LIFE MAKEOVER. I need someone to come into my life - send me on vacation for a week, get all my shit in order and then hand it back over to me. Wouldn't that be pleasant? Who is this girl that thinks someone can lead my life better than me? Who is this girl and where did Josie go? It appears at this point I've even silenced my inner self. That's sad and disturbing. Is my gut so sick of me that it is giving me the silent treatment? Has my life put me on mute?

How can some aspects of life be headed in the perfect direction and others are swirling full tilt? Or is that what life is? Is life about learning to piece the good with the bad? Basic huh? Even logic based. Why can't I get my mind around this?

A song in the background keeps insting that "Something's gotta give" - For being on a shitty coffee house rotation mix, it appears to sum up my thoughts right now. Something has got to give. I'm better than this. I'm smarter than this. I'm more than capable to rise above my own chaos. I'm certain of it. I'm certain of it in thought and I'm certain of it on paper. I have a helluva a time translating this to my real life. Do you hear me inner self? I need a little help here!

So what's going to give? There really is only one answer that will suffice. It's not really so much about giving as it is about doing. As it is about finding myself, brushing myself off and tackling this life the way I once did. I know I was scared when I graduated from college, I know I was scared when I moved to Chicago, scared when I lost my job, scared when my dad died....but I acted. I stepped up to my life and made movement. It all comes back to movement, doesn't it? I know, inner self, stop asking the dumb questions and do the right things. So basic. So logic based, so everything I pride myself on. So.....Josie Ann Lee.

So where am I? I'm sitting in C-bou trying to get stuff done and my baby is working the counter.

Now let's just see where I go.....

Chasing my tail...

2007-03-17T00:32:00.000-04:00

Life is living me again. Gram H is in the hospital. Mom said something tonight about the doctor saying something about her not recovering this time. I don’t know what that means. It’s still early, so we’ll have to wait to see how it goes. Other than that, things just seem hard right now. I’m sure I’m making some of them harder, I’m also sure I’m working my ass off to fix others that aren’t getting fixed. Like a dog chasing its tail, I’m circling about looking like a fool and not getting anywhere. London doesn’t really chase his tail. Of course it’s more like a nub, so he’d look twice as dumb. Considering he doesn’t do it at all though he clearly looks twice as smart as me.

I’m editing tonight. Which means I probably should go from blog to journal and do some real writing and cleansing. Now I just have to find my journal. And a pen. And my thoughts.

I hope one day I don’t write anything about knowing better. I have to put that fear on paper to look me in the eyes whenever I need to.

Ok, the rest goes into paper mode.

Good night sweet internet.

A body in...

2007-03-10T13:38:00.000-05:00

October was drawing to an end and I decided it was time to make some movement in my life. I told myself November would be month without fear. And to prove this point, I named it “NO FEAR NOVEMBER”. Using the psychological principle of sharing a plan in order to be held accountable to carrying it out, I went around and announced to anyone one who was listening that I was attacking November with reckless abandoned. Somewhere in the middle of October I realized that waiting two more weeks to live my life was a ridiculous thing to be telling people. So I decided to green light my NFN right then and there. I have to say it was fantastic. I started to take actions on getting my café up. I made calls, I saw property, I talked to people, I put action plans together and carried them out. It was amazing to see how removing fear was liberating and how it propelled me from a body at rest into a body in motion.

But the equal and opposite force of holidays and stress slowly put my body back in rest. I could hear myself telling people, “I’m just going to take a little break right now. My goal is to survive the holidays” - How did I go from setting a goal of living without fear to outwardly admitting my goal was simply ‘to survive”. Even when I could hear myself saying those words it felt like I was slowly sabotaging my progress. It always seems like I get moving in a good new direction and I can so easily convince myself that I need a break or that I can rest for a spell. And in all honesty, I know that when I tell myself that I can rest, I’m really allowing myself to come to a stop. I hate that I know this and I still do it.

I know how good it feels to accomplish my dreams and goals. I know the effort it requires to get moving and how, once moving, how easy it becomes to keep with the forward progress. And I know that I’m a flipping idiot for having to relearn this lesson over and over and over……and over again.

So here is my thing. It’s March and the holidays are far behind me. The excuses have got to come to an end and this body at rest must become one in motion again. So to get rolling I’m going to trick myself again and declare this NO FEAR MARCH. I may even stretch it and call this “NO FEAR SPRING”. There are things this girl wants to accomplish. There are things this girl MUST overcome and do. I’m not going to let the fear of action, the fear of success, or the laziness that accompanies those keep me from being the woman I’m capable of. My love reminds me that I’m in a partnership now and I don’t have to take the worry of the world on my shoulders, I can share the load. I’m learning what that feels like, but so far it is an amazing feeling of love and warmth.

My sister got engaged the other day and I’m certain I’ve met the one I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. It’s so weird to transition into a life where we both have loving and supporting partners and we have new families to become a part of and grow with. It’s new. It’s interesting. It’s fun. I’m currently on my first vacation with the Draybucks. A short weekend up north to ski and relax and eat good food and have some fun. It’s so nice to be here. Right now. A body in happiness will remain in happiness…….

So little time...

2007-01-14T23:49:00.000-05:00

So many thoughts so little time…I’ve been meaning to write for a couple of days now. My thoughts are forcing me to the page, but my body is calling me to shower. I have to run and get ready to go to a ‘24’ party. So short and sweet, I still sit to at least let my fingers do the walking.

I was worried after I cut my finger that typing wouldn’t be the same. An although still a bit numb, it is feeling more and more normal to put the fingers to the pads and create words. AGHH…creating words. Not too much better in this world. Although, I do have to admit, lately I’ve found a few things that can compete.

Seriously, me and soap and water have a date, so I have to jet. But oh how my soul has enjoyed its very own quickie with the keyboard.

(Kage - I only posted this to see if you were actually paying attention)

P.S. - Hi Apple! :-)

It's Friday..I'm in love!

2006-12-29T17:20:00.000-05:00

Days of the week kind of blur into one. I think it’s the working of a service job that makes this happen. Saturdays and Sundays don’t quite hold the thrill they once did. I really never know exactly which day it is until I enter into a conversation with someone about how I never know which day it is. It can’t really be fun for the other person b/c I’m sure it gets a little repetitive. “I really have a hard time keeping track of days”, I say. This is usually met with something close to, “I know, it totally doesn’t feel like a Friday.” And then comes the wonderment I can neither hide nor fake, “It’s Friday, really? Wow. I had no clue. It feels like Tuesday.”

So what exactly does Tuesday feel like, I wonder. I was born on a Tuesday, but I don’t really remember that feeling. No one is saying “Happy Hump day” to me on Tuesdays, so I don’t get to giggle of sophomoric jokes. It’s not like it is sunnier on Tuesday than Fridays or Tuesdays require less sleep or are rewarded with more. All things being equal Tuesday is to Friday what Friday is to Tuesday, yet today definitely feels like a Tuesday even though the calendar clearly shows it is a Friday. (And it does, I done did check!) Friday should be something. Why does Wednesday get all the hump-day action and the rest of the days are left to fend for themselves?

Friday leans over, nudges me and whispers in my ear, “I did make it into a Cure song” Aghhh Yes Friday, you sure did. But so did the rest of the days of the week, no? Friday and I argue a little bit over this point and come to a mutual agreement that Friday did get the best of the lyrics, so it will be noted that it is Friday and I’m in love.

I wonder if Friday was Tuesday in another life? Interesting, right?

Today, while at the bank I said, “It sure is cold today. Brrrrrrr” I think at this point I even did some arm wriggling body moving effects to make my point. The teller from heller said, “It’s supposed to be 52 tomorrow” To which I cleverly replied, “Well bring on tomorrow” – Someone then informed me I was in the wrong state. This was equal parts disturbing and well disturbing. Not only did I not know which day it was or what day it was going to be warm, but now I was in the wrong state. I said to the woman who had entered my conversation without an invite, “This is rather depressing” - Why can’t I be on a Wednesday in Hawaii. Who wouldn’t want to be in Hawaii on hump-day? And isn’t everyday hump-day in Hawaii? I mean technically isn’t that what Hawaii means? I’m certain it does. At least in my world. (And now in your world too). Yeah us!

So tomorrow is another day. Right now I’m even aware as to which day it is. Twill be interesting tomorrow to discover it is Saturday…wait. And Sunday always comes to late but Friday never hesitate….

Now, if only I was in Hawaii.

Aloha!

i swear i had something to say

2006-12-08T09:19:00.000-05:00

late last night or really early this morning I'm certain i had something clever to say. I can't find it, but i'm searching the mind so hard right now for it. As you can tell i've even started to type to see if the rattling of words shakes it loose.

i drunk dialed weber last night. hahaha

that wasn't it, but it makes me laugh.

i remember the time E and I went to Vegas - got drunked - went to a 'review' and then drunk dialed Wondero b/c we knew she'd be disturbed. I miss E. I should have drunk dialed her. HA!

still that wasn't my intention of thought..

i'm typing at such a ridiculous angle such that I don't wake my dog. he totally owns me.

where is that damn clever thought?

i'm going to miss my stitches.

ok, i'm done fishing for now

my finger penis

2006-12-04T09:29:00.001-05:00

i can't type too well b/c i've inadvertently created a penis on the end of my left index finger. And to think all I wanted to do was make a stir-fry. (Ftr, it is tricky to type 't's with a penis finger. And the phrase
"tricky to type 't's" is not the best time to start practicing alliteration....for obvious reasons)

This week has been a series of yin and yang where the yang is surprisingly good considering the yin. Allow me to explain a bit, if you will.

Yin: My computer crashed. Yang: 1. I talked to Apple way more than I normally do in any given week. 2. My computer is now amazingly fast again. 3. It forced me to get the kind of organized I only dream about.

Yin: Living Alone when two-people tasks emerge. Yang: Overcoming. And celebrating the end of a good day with a night out with new friends.

Yin: FL making it to the national championship game. Yang: OLD SCHOOL ROSE BOWL!

Yin: Cutting my finger to a grotesque level. Yang: Knowledge of good friends/neighbors/hospital and, least not, the creation of a finger penis puppet.

I asked the nurse if I could have people sign it. She said no. :-(

Well it's Monday. The start of another week. Interesting. I wonder what will present itself this week. I have to find a primary care doctor so I can get my stitches out next week. That should be fun.

I have to work in an hour and I fear it could take me that long to get dressed and fasten my bra. Oh yea..last lesson learned...don't attempt to cook in your PJ's.

Good Monday to you Monday. I welcome you with open arms and a finger penis! BRING IT!

Back on the wagon...

2006-11-24T18:05:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how things can set up such a wave of emotions. I think I'm back on the crying and death wagon for a bit. It's not the goal, but it's the truth. And I'll own it.

Last week I had to throw out a pair of sneakers and I found myself awash in tears. My dad always made get good shoes b/c he was so insistent I take good care of my feet. And I mean insistent. He'd be so angry now at their current condition, but proud of me for putting money into my Danskos. When I attempted to throw out my shoes I had this sick realization that my dad wasn't around to go shopping with. I realize I'm 32 and more than capable of buying my own shoes, but this is one of those things I let my daddy do for me. I never went to him for advise on buying a car and he got little input when I purchased my condo or my dog. I knew his voice and his concern for me would try to ground me when I knew it'd be ok. I thought by just going after my big purchases without his input I was saving him stress. I could always tell though he felt a little sad by my independent side. However, I always listened to him when he'd tell me it was time to get a new pair of shoes, and I'd happily go to the store with him and pick out a pair. I don't know how this got to be 'our thing' or if when he was living I even realized it was. But after he was gone, I noticed more and more things that he had left his mark on. For his 61st birthday I got my dad a new pair of shoes. He had been walking 3 miles a day since his heart surgery and I wanted to make sure he was taking good care of his feet. I was so happy with my idea to get him shoes for his birthday. Little did I know then that this would be the end and completion of our circle. I still haven't had the heart to pitch my shoes. They are on my back porch. I feel like they need better closure than the garbage. I'll figure it out.

Yesterday while finishing up Thanksgiving dinner my sister said she wanted to talk about Christmas. I'm very fragile right now. I can't take any more change. I wonder if people get that. I've been through more change in the past two years than I thought was possible. I'm not complaining b/c a lot of it was brought on by my own decisions. But I've reached my saturation point and I'm not apologizing for it! My sister's boyfriend recently moved in with her and my heart is happy for her and this relationship. He seems to calm her and bring out all her good. I do think Adam is a blessing for her and, and in return, for us. However, this new change in her life has had a few ripples in mine and honestly I think I'm at a breaking point. The holidays suck this year. I've written it, I've said it outloud, I've sobbed about it to my mom. I can't figure out why this year is different. I'm starting to think it's because I realize this year has more change involved. Traditions shift with new relationships and with aging family. Grandma Harley has no short term memory anymore and having her at our house is starting to become more of a stressor for her than an enjoyable event. That coupled with Jamie's coupling has been hard. Just two years after learning to deal with the loss of dad, I'm having to deal with all this other stuff. And I just don't know where to find more strength. I just want a year to not have to deal. I just want one year of something other than this. Each year I'm met with the possibility that this could be the last year we are all together. I'm just so sad. I long for the holidays of my youth. I miss dad coooking in the kitchen and chilling out on the couch. I miss it so much. It's so hard. But why is it harder this year? I just can't figure it out.

There is a whole other bit about airplanes and Chicago and O'Hare but I actually think I can't get into this without tearing up. I guess my point is the little things are so big right now.

WHY ARE THE LITTLE THINGS SO BIG RIGHT NOW?

Where is my lesson?

I keep saying I'm not depressed. And I'm certain I'm not. I'm just processing so many different things right now. So much processing. I should be getting paid for this much hard work!

My dog is playing with his candy cane now, and I think I'll join him. I do know the things I take joy in and I'm going to embrace them when I work through all this other hard stuff right now. Thankfully I figure out that lesson a long time ago!

Two More Words: THAT SUCKED

2006-11-20T12:06:00.000-05:00

So not only did Bo die, but the boys flipping lost the game. Yep. They lost it. They simply didn't play well enough to win. I'm not sure why. Some of it may have been my own fault. Instead of hanging at home and paying close attention watching them play - I headed to a bar and drank my way through the game. Was it fun? Oh hell yea - we had a good time. But they lost. If only I'd watched on the big screen and gave them my all. hehehe ...It's HARD being this powerful.

So Bo died. I dragged Chebeir to the Big House after we heard to pay some respects. It was odd how other people had the same idea. Those Who Stay Will Be Champions. I will buy the banner and hang it in his honor. Bo knew football. (Albeit grind it up the middle, run run run...but he WAS Michigan)

Weekend was just what the doctor ordered with my friend-o.

I just had to plop a blog on so I didn't see my BIG GAME everytime I logged in. I'm still in the heealing process of this. We still are #2 in the BCS though....so GO BLUE!

Two Words: BIG GAME

2006-11-13T21:26:00.000-05:00

Oh and two more.................................... GO BLUE!

Hello Contentment...I've missed you

2006-11-11T13:11:00.000-05:00

Today as I am putzing around my house doing this and that and pausing to do the other I realized I was feeling something that has escaped me for years. I feel content. There isn't any great pressure on me today. I really think I haven't felt this since before I lost my job in Chicago. It's odd b/c when you don't feel it you don't remember how comforting it is to be here. I'm so happy today. I have my house, and my dog, and my desk! And I have a direction. I know it's going to be hard and this feeling probably will be fleeting for now, but somehow I've managed to get back to it. This makes me happy.

It's amazing what you for take for granted on a daily basis. When Er and I were living in Wrigleyville I never really thought about how life would be different. I remember many converstaion about where we thought we'd be in five or so years, but having that apartment, those friendships, that money, that FUN - I never thought I could be so far removed from it so fast. I can't even believe Er and I don't speak. I don't think I've ever written that before. I think it so often yet discuss and write about it so little.

I was telling Apple the other day that I miss our Monday nights. And I do. But I have to say the growth of our friendship and its current place in my life is so critical. We've come a long way (the hard way) since those Monday nights. And yet, at the time, I took them for granted.

I guess five years goes by quicker than one can imagine. I'm just so thankful I have the same feelings of contentness that I felt back then. I was sitting in my condo one night curled up in front of my fireplace listening to classical music, reading a book, sipping on tea and looking out at the Sears Tower. I remember at that moment thinking, "this is where I've always wanted to be, and somehow I'm here" It was such an amazing feeling. I grabed pen and put it to my journal so I could look back during the times my road was winding and long and scary so that I'd remember on other stages of my journey the road would lead me right where I was looking to go.

I think I can see my road now. I say that with a shake of my head. If there is one thing I should have learned over the past five years it's that you never know where the road is headed. Maybe I'm just at one of my many 'rest area' s along my route. And that's ok with me. I'll take the time to rest, sip my tea, listen to my music and be thankful that at this moment this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Junk in the trunk....

2006-11-09T13:01:00.000-05:00

I think it time I sat my booty down and wrote a blog that wasn’t about death, crying, or some sort of crying death combo. The crying death combo doesn’t really play too well in Peoria. Damn Peoriains! Anyway, there has to be something funny going on in my head so maybe if I think about it long enough it will spit itself on to the page.

My nose itches something fierce. And I have a tag team of zits on my forehead today. Oh and I’ve overused the word(s) tag-team only about 24 times today. I never knew it was even possible to do that. Some days I continue to amaze myself. Others I do not.

Wednesdays at work are fun. It’s the all girl shift that consists solely on caffeine, sass and laughter. I think it’s funny this group of girls are so different yet we have so much fun. And for the record we could not be MORE different. It’s funny. I love Ann Arbor. I feel like I’m back in the swing of it all a bit. I’ve made some good connections and am starting to make some good friends too. If only fun friends, currently that’s what I need.

I think I’m giving my dog an ulcer. Maybe not, but I could be and I have to learn to live with that. Actually, he has to learn to live with it – I have to learn to doctor him. I hate when Vets use words like, “depressed” or “stressed” – I’m not sure how come he’d be either. I think he just wants attention. Well, he can have it. Currently he is cuddled up on my shoulder. He appears neither depressed or stressed! This is clearly a ‘victory for mommy’ moment.

Dude. I just called myself mommy.

Who is this ‘Dude’ I just referred to?

Speaking of dudes…..dudey is headed for a visit in 8 days. I’m playing it cool, but I can’t wait to poke my finger in her ear. I hope that doesn’t make her depressed or stressed.

I don’t think this blog could be considered funny, but I’m pleased of the rambling nature of it all. 2nd City preaches to write write write write to get all the junk out so the good stuff and find its way to the surface. I bet tonight I’ll be rich with the good stuff.

I like reading Apple’s blog. It makes me want to be a better writer. Or a writer. I wish it’d make me want to be a runner. But clearly that just makes me stressed and depressed.

And the last thing I need is an ulcer.

I could go for some cider though.

I think the junk is out. So I’ll close

Two Years...Ten Thousand Tears

2006-11-03T09:49:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of my father’s death. Where did the time go? How did we get by?

I didn’t talk to him two years ago today. I meant to. I meant to call him and ask him about the election. Was Kerry going to be able to pull out Ohio? I didn’t. I thought I’d wait till we knew more and then call him to chat about it. Isn’t that funny? I was waiting to see who won Ohio before I talked to my dad. It was a conscious choice. I can remember it so clearly. Ohio was in play, my dad was alive. 11/03/04. I wonder what we would have talked about that day. Probably how Bush was an idiot and how cold it was and how his legs felt after his walk. I would have asked him how business was and if people were gearing up for hunting season. “Have you sold many carrots?” – “How’s Vaughn?” – “Are you looking forward to seeing me this weekend?” – “Can you make bran muffins for Sunday?” – Those are probably just a few of the questions that would have met his ear. I can see him standing in the store, talking on the phone, I can hear the ‘dong’ of the door as someone entered and he’d say, “Hang on a second Jo, I have to wait on someone” – And then the sounds of the cash register, the talk of weather, and then his voice getting louder as he’d pick the phone back up and ask me how the new job was going. But I didn’t call him and we never had those conversations….that day. I’m so thankful I can hear still hear his voice though. I can still see him. He is still so present in my life. Some times I can actually see him standing in the room with all of us, laughing. I think sometimes you can miss someone so much that you see them. If only I could touch him. Just one little hug, that’s all I want. What I wouldn’t give for one hug, or one lean on his leg, one slap of his hand as he walked past me. Two years!

It’s amazing to me how it still is just right under the surface. I wonder if it will always be. The sadness is always right there. Sometimes I feel guilty for suppressing it. But you have to. You have to.

Right after he died I kept saying, “I wish people knew how funny he was” – I wonder why that is what I picked? Maybe because when I think of him, I think of that shitty grin he had, or that belly laugh when he just couldn’t hold it in any longer. He brought so much joy and happiness to us. I can so often hear his laugh. I hear it in Grandma Lee. I never realized they looked so much alike or had so many similarities till he wasn’t around. Now I see so much of dad in grandma. It’s comforting. I hope people can see him in me too.

I don’t know how mom does it. She is so strong and lives the best she can with a broken heart. I bet these past two years have felt like a lifetime for her. I can’t even imagine her loss. And honestly, I don’t want to. I don’t think I’d be strong enough to take that.

He has a gravestone now. His remains aren’t there, but I find comfort with this stone that honors my dad. I want people to see it and pause and think about what a great man he was. And maybe how funny he was!

Today, I mourn alone and aloud. Tomorrow, I provide strength for mom, James, and grandma.

This still sucks. There is no easy way to say it.

Online Static

2006-09-23T20:17:00.000-04:00

I think online friendships are farces. Actually I think online communication is for wimps and introverts who want to fake it. Sure I’m writing in my blog, but I’m writing for myself. If anyone happens to stumble by and read this, it is no fault of my own. If they think something I’ve written is witty or thought provoking and they drop me a line, does that then lead us to a kindred friendship? I don’t think so. Friendship takes effort and commitment and an understanding that fonts and emoticons can’t provide.

Let's put down the txt messages and the emails and start investing in the people not the technology. We are losing the art of human connection and are depending on the internet kind.

I’m fearful this generation isn’t going to know how to develop real relationships. We have to learn to be open and honest and have our heart-to-hearts, face-to-face.

There is so much to say on this topic. Maybe I’ll delve in deeper later. Maybe not.

Feb 8th 2005

2006-02-22T11:31:00.000-05:00

The title of my blog doesn’t quite do its content justice. My funny side lives, it just seems my contemplative side is much more serious and in tune with the grieving process. With that said, I came upon this the other day when I was unpacking a box. I wanted to type this up for the blog as a testament of faith and a thanksgiving to my Father who watches over me and protects me. It dawned on me that it has just been a year since I wrote this piece. I’m simply amazed at the journey and healing that has taken place since that day, my last, in Chicago. I believe this letter speaks to the importance of faith, giving your troubles over to God and believing that He guides us through our darkest of hours.

Feb 8, 2005

My dad died a little over 3 months ago. My heart is still in the process of breaking. Today I sit in my home, my possessions packed and ready for the movers. I’m sad. I realize this is merely ‘stuff’ and where it is doesn’t matter. I realize that this home was a stepping stone – a goal reached, so I should rejoice. But I sit in sadness. I sit in weariness, my heart aches for the loss of my father. It is my buddy I miss, not a location to hang my hat. I miss his teachings, his lesson and his voice. I miss the security we all felt when he was alive. I miss the security to be me without worrying as much for others because I knew he was helping to take care of everyone. I try to absorb my condo but I’m left with a sense of nausea. I feel the reality of loss here while also being able to escape into the false belief that life is as it was. My Chicago life stopped with one phone call. I think that is what is so hard to deal with. One day life just stopped, turned 180 degrees and then started again. There was no planning or input; there was only reaction. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. True – maybe except in the case of death. However, maybe so. My life is now equal and opposite. My Chicago life died with my dad. They are just things. On my time here on earth God grants me with living people to love and cherish and with things. They are all His things. He can call us home anytime. Whether it be my dad to his eternal home or me to my family home. God provides and God calls us home. This lesson on my earthly life will only make me stronger; it will better prepare me for my life with my Father in heaven.

Heavenly Father please continue to watch over me and guide me. As I walk the road please continue to shine your light and lead me. Please forgive me for my falls and please uplift me and help to better honor your name. You are my Savior. You are my strength. You are my peace of mind. Please continue to teach me and I pray that I continue to learn.

As I’ve written before, life has never moved more slowly or quickly as it has over the past year. I look and think to everything my family has been through and all the roads we’ve taken and all the places we currently are, I have to stop to thank the Lord for providing for us. With healing in process, we are blessed to have been guided by the loving hand of our Father.

Out of the blue..into the blues

2006-02-14T10:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I headed to the bank to deposit a couple of checks. I walked in and got in line behind an older man and what appeared to be his grandson. A teller motioned for them to come forward but they remained in line. The older gentlemen asked a teller if he needed to wait for him, he was informed that anyone could help him with his request. So the man and his grandson approached the window directly in front of the line. I’m not one to eavesdrop on purpose; however, his words caught me by surprise. “Here is a death certificate for my wife”, he said, “I have a checking account that I need to take her name off of and add on my grandson’s” My heart sank, immediately. Without warning I was transported back to the first two weeks following Dad’s death when I had made the trip to the bank with my mother first, and then my grandma. I felt so much for this man, I wanted to put my hand on his arm and tell him I was sorry for his loss and would pray for healing in his mourning process. I didn’t though. I said a silent prayer for him, made my deposits and left the bank with a heavy heart. I was amazed at how fast, and without any warning, I could be taken out of a ‘normal’ day and placed right back into the middle of my own grief. Since moving to Ann Arbor, I have had more days of normalcy and less days drowning in sorrow. My dad is always close to my heart and always on my mind, but I haven’t been caught up in the thoughts of ‘how are we going to go on?” We have all worked so hard to not fall into a depression that would be more than easy to stumble into. At some point, you begin to think you are above the heavy feeling that first accompanies loss. Every now and then though, something comes out of the blue and thrusts you back into the blues. Yesterday I was reminded that someone’s walk through the valley of the shadow of death is just beginning.

The following is a passage from Joan Didion’s book “The Year Of Magical Thinking” - It puts words to the feeling that is so hard to explain and does an amazing job of accurately describing what the start of that walk feels like.

“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feels shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterating, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be “healing.” A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about falling to “get through it,” rise to the occasion, exhibit the “strength” that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needed to steel ourselves for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I e able to leave the scene; will I be able to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic of regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaningless itself.”

My prayers go to those who are beginning their journey today. I pray they find the strength, inner peace, and guidance they need to keep walking, knowing that one day they will find peace again.

Any idea well entertained in mind...

2006-01-31T23:25:00.000-05:00

….will carry itself out in action.

It’s that sentence that makes me appreciate the fact that I’m a thinker above all else. I’ve spent so much of my life’s moments entertaining my thoughts. I’m happy to say that I’ve done the things I’ve set out to do. I have been blessed enough to envision a road and then travel down it. Of course I’ve swatted down my fair share of curve balls, and I’ve slid hard into home only to be tagged out. I can’t say I’m where I thought I’d be right now; however, I don’t know if I’d want to be anywhere else.

I’m on a new journey. I love Ann Arbor. I love my house. I love my dog. Besides the obvious pains of life and mourning, I’m happy. I like who I am again. Chicago Josie was starting to get mean. Maybe I should say corporate Josie was starting to get mean. The job became more than it should have. I started to think like a company person should. I was amazed at my business side and concerned on how I would tie that into my religious side. I didn’t know if it was possible. Losing my job in May really was a blessing. Fighting for the job I wanted was a valuable lesson. I don’t think I’d be attacking Ann Arbor the way I’m choosing to if those things hadn’t happened. I’m aware of the need to pay my bills, but I’m not obsessed with finding the six figure job. I don’t want the responsibility of making more money than I need. Money does change you; I don’t care what people say. I don’t want to be changed that way again. I want to work hard. I want to chase my dreams. I want to struggle, if need be, and know that I’m following my heart and not trying to fatten up my pocket book.

I have goals here and that is a good thing. I’m such a goal oriented person. I need to challenge myself. I need to have focus to be driven to reach my potential. I feel that again right now. In the days leading up to graduation in ’96, I remember a sinking feeling when I realized I had forgotten to set post graduation goals. I have journal entries on the fear and self abandonment I felt regarding it. Looking back, it took a couple of years to figure things out again and set my new goals. That goal became Chicago.

My goal right now is complex. It’s a goal centered on me liking me. I want to continue to grow as a person and a Christian. I want to believe in myself and my dreams. I want to own my fears and attack them. I want to work to make my café a reality. And I will. Right now this journey has me learning the basics of a coffee shop and starting up a small business. I’m certain this phase of the journey is about information gathering. Yes. That’s what I’m going to call these next six months. “Information Gathering” I LOVE it I feel clear today. I feel blessed.

Progress – not perfection.

Everyday – progress. Everyday – prayer. Everyday – belief. Everyday – growth. Everyday – patience. Everyday – journey.

Random Predictable Ramblings

2006-01-22T01:08:00.000-05:00

I feel like I’ve a boat load to say and no one to say it to. Well that’s dramatic. I have tons of people to say it to, I just wonder how many are sick of hearing it. My life lately has been floating around two themes. 1. My dad is dead and 2. I don’t have a microwave. It seems before my dad died I had one. I can’t really blame him for my current lack of one, simply b/c he is dead and hard to complain to. My stubborn side is insistent that I don’t need one. (A microwave that is, my emotional side still pines for my dad) However, my culinary side is convinced that one day I’ll need to thaw meat and will be unable to do so in the amount of time necessary to eat before 7. Can it be that I’m that bad of a planner? Why, yes it can be. I live in constant thought each day about what I’m going to have for dinner and if I need to take meat out of the freezer. I’m exactly two inches from the nearest grocery store, so I wonder if it would make sense to just not store meat. I’m certain though if I solved the meat issue, I’d still find other things to fill my worry of no microwave ownership. I think the microwave is going to become my next Queen issue. The Queen issue simply being although I love the band I can never buy their album. I’ve help copies of their albums in my hands numerous times over the years but have never been able to commit to buying them. I can’t put my finger on it. I love me some Freddy, but I can’t get to the point of purchase. So I wonder if this microwave will be the next simple but impossible purchase. (FTR, I had one in my hands today at BBB – only 60 bucks with a 20% off coupon and could not close the deal)

I met a bunch of my neighbors tonight. I had to tell them my story. No job. Moved back to MI to help my mom after my dad died. No microwave. Yadda Yadda. I’m sick of my own story. I guess that makes me one of the many who are not in line to hear my boat load.

This is a random bunch of nonsense. Sometimes you just have to clean house.

I question if it is even worth to continue droning on. I guess it can’t hurt anything tonight. (She says innocently)

A couple weeks ago at church someone said to me that I was destined for great things. I countered with ,”or maybe just a series of really small ones” I think that could be true for me. I don’t know if there will be a great thing, or if my life will just be choppy. Maybe I’m destined to just float about helping out. Maybe I’m a tug boat. There are worse things than being a tug boat. I’m not sure what they are, but I’m sure they exist. Hey losing my dad was worse than being a tug boat. And, of course, there is the whole microwave thing.

Is that three yet? Can I drop them or do I have one more call back? We (meaning me) all know how I do hate the overkill. Unless, of course, the overkill is over killed itself. That can be shear brilliance.

Maybe I’m a snow globe. Maybe just when all my snow settles and I feel stable, some giant something is picking me up and shaking me around. Nah. That’s just dumb. I’m definitely a tug boat before I’m a snow globe.

I want to write something about my experiences this past year. I keep trying, but so far I haven’t gotten to a stage that feels right. I think I’m too predictable. I know I self edit a lot, but if not me then who? What? See I should have edited that bit before typing it. I suppose of all the dribble I’ve scribbled this is the most true “I realize that I’m fine until I talk about things. The reality of words sometimes is too much to bear”

Now it’s time to play: SHORT LIST

Today’s (and only) list is comprised of songs with lyrics that I’m smitten with.

I have those on my play list I’ve entitled “needy” Sometimes I’m not sure how to label myself, but I waste time trying to figure it out.

So many faces float in front of me tonight. I take no comfort in it. Yet I can’t shake all the ghosts that surround me.

I hope I’m more than just a place you laid your hat.

Maybe I’m a graveyard and I just keep collecting more souls. I hope not. I’d rather be a tug boat.

I wish my mind was running out of this mental drippings tonight, but I fear I could type all night. Actually, there is no fear in that thought. I actually take great comfort in the sound of the keys being pressed. I always have. It’s my lullaby tonight and I do find myself sleepy. I’ll move the ramblings to the internal thought process oriented kind.

Grief has caught up with me lately. I ducked it there for a while. It’s just hit and miss though. I suppose it’s time to try and give it over to God again. I sure do give God a lot. Thank Him He is so strong.

I’m tired. But a good tired. A nice normal sleepy tired. I pray for nice normal sleepy dreams.

May God grant me the wisdom to follow His teachings; to live from the heart of a Christian, and to take the time to honor and praise Him.

And, if God’s will, may I be the best little tug boat I can be.

The View Remains The Same

2006-01-20T16:17:00.000-05:00

It’s mid January and in the mid 50’s. It’s one of those times it feels like spring even though you know it is winter. Your heart wants to be swept into the joy of the upcoming spring; your head knows that by tomorrow morning there will be 5 inches of snow on the ground. It’s hard to wrap your whole being around days like this. The body is engulfed in mixed feelings –the warmth of the spring sun battling the cold realization of the inevitable winter before you.

Just a little less than two years ago I sat in my condo with all my possessions and questioned my future. I had to get a job and I had to decide where I wanted to head. Even though my income was cut out from under me, my confidence in my potential stood as strong as ever. Today I find myself with the same possessions and the same concerns. However, the dwelling is different and the person forever changed.

I feel like I’m having a bit of déjà vu. I’ve done so many of the things I’m doing on a day to day basis now. The façade seems to be the same, but the foundation has shifted and I’m trying to get my feet underneath me and figure out what this means. My faith has never been stronger. My belief in my potential remains intact. It’s the simple fact that my father has passed and my mother lives alone that I’m having trouble wrapping everything around.

The worry I have now is different. The sadness that fills some days is heavier. The goal remains the same though and I’m just working so hard to process how the view from two years ago till now can be so similar but so distinct. Everything is the same and yet it feels so different. The view can be deceiving.

I wonder what lesson the Lord has in store for me this time. I try so hard not to fight it, I’m just sick of the lesson hurting. I know my strength. I know my courage.

I know my winter will soon be spring.

I pray for those who are headed into winter.

Dignity within tragedy

2005-09-03T10:01:00.000-04:00

For five days I've toiled with what I can do to help. This morning I realized that my only gift for this is my writing.

Katrina may have taken their homes and their families and everything that they have known but let's make sure we don't let it take their dignity. Media and government officials keep referring to the victims as refugees. They are not refugees; they are survivors. And more importantly they are our brothers and sisters. They are from every walk of life; they are from every family background. They are Americans just like you and me and they deserve the respect of a nation, its government and its media. The real tragedy is that they are being forced to try and grasp the severity of their situation and to mourn their losses without the basics of human necessity. They are hungry and scared and are living on the edge. I cannot even begin to wonder how they will properly heal.

I have great anger and sadness with the handling of this situation. I'm flabbergasted that we are choosing to use the word 'refugee' to describe the survivors of this hellish situation. They don't want to flee, they want to return, they want to rebuild, they want nothing more than to open their eyes and have this horrible nightmare be over.

I ask you to write the national and local media outlets and your government officials demanding that we give our brothers and sisters the dignity and help they so deserve. And at the very least to stop referring to them as 'refugees'. Let's stop labeling them so that it is easier for us to follow the coverage. Let's fight everyday to remember that we too are just a second away from tragedy and think about how we'd want the nation and the world to respond to us and to our families.

I beg you to help me write and get the word 'refugee' removed from broadcasts. Our brothers and sister have lost everything. let's not take their dignity too.

If you can give money, please do. If you can take the time to write, I beg you to do so. And if you can give nothing else, I ask you to drop to your knees and pray that people find God in these moments and that people trust God and work together as humans not as political pawns to help our families and to raise them up to a place where they can begin to heal and to properly mourn. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. I ask you to look at the gifts God has given you and utilize these gifts to help aid our brothers and sisters.

Here is a list of addresses for you to email or to write. I'm sure there are more, if you feel compelled to write others, please do so.

MSNBC

letters@msnbc.com

abramsreport@msnbc.com

CNN

WHITE HOUSE

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

comments@whitehouse.gov.

SENATE

IL -

Barack Obama

202 224-2854

http://obama.senate.gov/contact/

Dick Durbin

202 224 2152

durbin.senate.gov/contact.cfm

Carl Levin

202 224 6221

levin.senate.gov/contact/index.cfm

Debbie Stabenow

stabenow.senate.gov/email.htm

Barbara Boxer

202 224 3553

boxer.senate.gov/contact

Dianne Feinstein

202 224 3841

feinstein.senate.gov/email.html

CT
Christopher Dodd

202 224 2823

feinstein.senate.gov/email.html

Joe Leiberman

202 224 4041

lieberman.senate.gov/contact/index.cfm?regarding=issue

Regretfully Resentful

2005-08-07T21:37:00.000-04:00

When I come to terms

to terms with this

When I come to terms this

My world will change for good

I haven't moved since the call came

Since the call came I haven't moved

I stare at the wall knowing on the other side

The storm that waits for me

I bought the latest Tori Amos cd and those are the first words that met my ears. I have thought those words so much lately. When I actually come to terms with this, my world will change for good. This whole process is terrible. It's horrible. It changes underneath you, but I don't know if it actually gets better. It just gets different. And for the record, I hate the current phase I'm in. I may finally be having the emotional breakdown I've been fighting. (This probably should hit the journal instead of the blog, but I just take so much comfort in typing.) I don't regret the decision, but I miss my life. I miss it so much right now. And if missing it isn't enough I have to hear about everyone living theirs. I hear of vacations and days at the lake; I hear of family BBQs and trips to the ocean. I grit my teeth and try to sound interested all the while my inner core is screaming "Shut Up! How dare you share the glory of your life right now. Don't you know how much I'm hurting? Don't you know how much I miss living life?" I can't expect people to continue to share in my vacuum, but I can't share their space right now. I need a break from all the summer life that is floating on around me. I don't want to know about the good things, b/c I shamefully admit there are times I just want them to wallow in my misery for a day. I hate that there is a part of me that wishes that on my friends. This resentful part of the process is a hard one to overcome, and I fear I have to remove myself from the situation right now to avoid being the person I'm so scared I could become. They should be living, they should be having fun! I know some of their struggles and I wouldn't want to jump into their shoes. I wouldn't want their beach access or family BBQs, but hearing of them reminds me of the life I had. It makes me miss the life I knew. My sister reminds me that my life is waiting to start up again and that can be an exciting process. As the mourning process changes gears and we all look for the next phase of this struggle, my life is somewhere waiting for me to catch up with it. It isn't, however, going to be my Chicago life. That is forever over. I still have trouble accepting. I hope this doesn't sound like I mourn more for my life than I do for my dad, it's just I lost so much in one day. Working at the store for the past 9 months has given me time to mourn and time to be with my memories. I'm really trying to take all this in on a learning and feeling level. As much as I've worked on mourning my dad, I've denied myself any feelings about leaving my city. I'll get through this phase. This God awful non Christian phase that is going to test me on so many levels. Sometimes we are forced to adapt to our initial reaction. I think this is the hardest adaptation there is. As animals our guts often provide us with the survival instincts we need, however, as humans it sometimes can create the drama we find ourselves swirling in.

I do have the ability to put perspective on things. I do have the ability to feel this through and take the appropriate actions to get through this as healthy as I can. God had given me so many blessings to be able to think and feel my way through my emotions. There is comfort knowing I'll come out of this. There is comfort knowing I'll come to terms with this; I'll come to terms with my world changing and I pray I continue to do it with tact and grace. If for nothing else, I owe it to my father.

I will be safe in my frame.

The Insider's Guide to WASPS, HORNETS, AND YELLOWJACKETS

2005-07-25T22:00:00.000-04:00

I got stung today. Here is what every one needs to know to survive the summer.

A WASP is a name applied to many winged insects which also includes ants and bees. Most wasps are carnivorous, feeding on insects, grubs, or spiders. They have biting mouthparts, and the females have stings with which they paralyze their prey. The sting can be used repeatedly. It can also be used in reference to a white Anglo-Saxon protestant, often living in the middle/upper middle class.

A HORNET is a fancy name for a WASP. However, you cannot reference this in regards to a white Anglo-Saxon protestant. But you can use it with regards to the basketball team in Charlotte.

A YELLOW JACKET is any of several paper wasps of the family Vespidae, having black and bright yellow bands. It can also be known as a yellow capsule of Phenobarbital, which is used a sedative or a hypnotic. See also: Lance Armstrong.

In review, the WASP, HORNET and YELLOW JACKET spend summers bzzzzzzzing around picnics, garbage cans and other nook and crannies where they can make their nest and draw up their plan to terrorize neighborhoods. However, when they aren't acting like radical Muslims they are doubling as white Christians, 10 black men with one orange ball and a cancer survivor on a bike. These little buggers are virtually indestructible and hungry for blood. Their only fear in life being the gas chamber and London Bobbies with a shoot-to-kill practice in place.

Dark Nights Of Summer

2005-07-24T22:08:00.000-04:00

It's been one heck of a hot summer. And stressful. I find myself sitting in the dark with only the light of my laptop lighting the way. I'm good for another 30 mins or so, and then that too will be black. Edison's best guess for the juice to come back on is pushed for two hours every two hours. I guess they think if you give people an ounce of hope they won't hoot and holler. And besides, it's too hot to hoot.

When the power first went out there was this brilliant silence that I wished I could package for the days that life gets too overwhelming. Personally, I think being without electricity is the way to go. Who needs all the hub bub of the outside world? Of course I would miss the glow of my laptop. I'm not sure at what point today I realized the connection the internet would still be active. A connection to the outside world? REJOICE! Of course, I do realize it is kind of pathetic to be jonesin for MSNBC/CNN after only a four to five hour absence, but that is what I do. I'm a news hound. A news hound who could give it all up for the quiet that accompanies darkness. Of course, I should mention the rumble of the generator that echoes through the fields. This is the static noise you get used to. An engine whining and sputtering and keeping the frozen foods frozen. I suppose I would miss frozen pizza if I suddenly stopped submitting to the idea that Thomas Alva Edison so generously shares with me. But would the pizza miss me?

Maybe if it wasn't so hot I wouldn't be at such a place. It's one of those days you think you're going to relax and you end up realizing you might be up every two hours to feed the generator's tummy. Where did my quiet Sunday go? Well, I guess it was quiet for a second.

So here I am contemplating the next move after the computer sleeps. Prayer, I suppose will top the list.

How did we get so dependent on outside needs that we stopped looking to be neighbors to each other? In a world where we've never been more connected we find ourselves moving further apart.

My battery sports a red 'X' noting that soon it too will succumb to nature's will. And I find myself more than pleased with that.

To Edison, I give my thanks for the invention, to God I give my gratitude for a much needed break.

Cooler Without The Lake

2005-05-22T13:42:00.000-04:00

I miss Chicago today. It’s ok to miss my city. It’s just a bit heartbreaking to admit it isn’t your city anymore. There is no address, no phone number, and no job. A soon to be outdated city sticker adorning the window of my car is the last token of my years spent there. Youth passed through me in Chicago. The responsibility of adulthood presented my exit.

I don’t miss the big dreams I brought with me, b/c I met them head on when. And I don’t miss the corporate world, b/c it was there that I realized it wasn’t for me. I don’t miss the loneliness of missing family, b/c here family is why I f(x). I miss the lakefront, I miss the skyline, I miss Wrigley Field. I miss knowing Michigan Ave was there, even if I bitched about the tourists taking it over. I miss the comfort Chicago provided me. Every time I drove into it I glanced for the skyline like a small child looking for the Ferris wheel at the county fair. I miss ‘312’ and ‘773’. I miss C/T. I miss knowing it is there waiting for me to step out into it. I miss its embrace.

You do what you got to do. My “got to do” meant leaving everything I’d worked six years for. Leaving it in a day. A phone call. There wasn’t ever a moment of hesitation where I thought I’d be back. You can’t have life carry on as normal, when it has re written itself. I reference it to 9/11. Normal changed that day. So it did on 11/4.

As I left my condo on 11/4 for the drive to MI, I remember slowly shutting the door knowing that it was closing on that entire phase of my life. Chicago was a great run. A truly magnificent one. I grew up in ‘my city’ and I learned so many lessons in the 6 years I was blessed enough to call it home. At this point in the game of Life, I’m not sure I want to go back. I can’t imagine being a tourist in the city that my heart calls home.

And then that happened......

2005-04-11T21:31:00.000-04:00

One day your world stops. You can see the world rushing past you, but you can't move. Mine stopped on 11/4/2004. My father died. I haven't written much since then. I've spent many days in thought and many more in prayer, but I haven't put the thoughts down. I'm still having trouble admitting that he isn't coming back. It sure puts perspective on everything else, and it forces you to face your biggest fear. We all have the fear of our parents dieing. What will we do? How will we cope? When a parent dies you don't have time to try and figure it out. You only have sense enough to act. Act in slow motion as the world rushes past you. There are people who slow up at times to walk with you, there are people who try to grab your hand and speed you up, and then there are people who don't even notice you as they pass by.

Grief is powerful. It is overwhelming. It is all encompassing, but mostly it is unavoidable. It will happen to you. It will crush you, it will bring you to your knees. Grief is an animal reaction. It is the truth that pulls you out of the numbness. Grief happens so that you remember you can feel. Grief makes the unbelievable situation a reality. Feelings will purge from the depths of your soul. You will cry from a place you didn't know existed. You will heave and pant - you will wail and rock and you will wonder when the pain will subside. And then it does. The rocking lessens, the heaving weakens and the tears dry up. Tired and weary you will know what it feels to live by the amount of pain you are suffering at a loss. And it will come in waves at times you can't control. It will own you and you will let it.

Losing a parent is the most sobering event of my life. Wathing the other one grieve is the most heartbreaking. Prayer is the only antidote I've found for grief. It provides a sense of calm in the overwhelming world that I find myself in. It is God's hand that stops the world for you, it is God's hand that gives you the sense to act, and it is God's hand that provides you with the cleansing power of grief.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

2004-11-05T15:26:00.000-05:00

I'd like to think that this would have been my header even with a Kerry victory. However, it probably would have been "Hail to the Victors" - for obvious reasons.

The victory of Bush has forced me to look into my faith and not drink the celebratory champagne. The initial shock and awe of a Kerry loss was almost instantly met with prayer. The belief that we are God’s sheep and he has a plan for us is comforting.

I look at my life over the past four years and ask myself, "Am I better off than I was four years ago?"

The answer is "Without a doubt!" - but not b/c of a promotion, the new car or the new condo which all came during the Bush presidency. It is because of the road I've traveled as a Christian. It is because I've grown in my faith; I’ve gotten active in my church. It is because I lost my job and had to find myself. It is because of reading the bible and learning our history and then openly and passionately discussing it with friends. I'm better off because I've worked hard to remember I'm a spiritual being having a human existence. When looking at it in context, suddenly four more years of a Bush White House doesn't sound so bad. That isn't to say I don't agree with his policies, and I don't want more for our country, or that I don't realize that there are bad things happening outside of my walls. It is to say that I realize that my strength, my journey and my destination all revolve around my Lord - my rock and my salvation.

For me the Bush victory has already made me look inward and find my faith. I'm sure the Kerry victory would have been met with gloating emails and an arrogant stride. These are the things I'm working on moving away from. Over the next four years, my hope is to continue to grow as a Christian and as a democrat who works to make a difference in her family, her community and her nation. And in four years time when we all gather again to put our Democracy in action and vote in another leader, I hope no matter the outcome my response will be "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want".

I’ll save the gloating and arrogance for Michigan Football. (A girl has to have her vice!)

Hail to the Victors!

Focus

2004-10-25T15:37:00.000-04:00

It's so easy to tell myself that I can do X after I do Y. I think the question with that is why? Why wait till Y? When I didn't have a job I was discouraged and fearful, yet I looked to the day I got a job before I could start focusing my energies on my goal of the cafe. Where did that thought process come from? Even now as I sit here working, I think of all the things I need to do before I do the things I want to do. Excuses and height of laziness have created this circle of personal deception. I don't need to do 100 things before I do the 101st. I can prioritize and make choices and sacrifices where need be. There is a quality of focus that is often lacking. Instead of throwing the arms up in a panic and doing the things that fly in front on my face, it would make sense to calmly sit with myself, my thoughts and my goals and focus in on the ones that I want to accomplish first. Any idea well entertained in mind will carry itself out in action. I think it takes calm and focus to be able to well entertain any thought. Chaos begets chaos. Calm begets focus. And with focus.....accomplishments.

Deny that which makes you afraid. Breathe in the air that fills you with calm. Praise Him who makes it all possible.

Knock Knock...Who's there?

2004-10-02T19:41:00.000-04:00

Knock Knock

Who's There?

It's Life?

Life who?

It's your life you idiot, where have you been?

I've realized lately that life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. It's almost as if there is a faint knocking that goes unnoticed for years and then one day you wonder "Who the hell is banging at the door?" Oh the terror and joy of realizing that your life is wondering when you are going to start engaging in it. There are two ways to take this blog. There is the analogy of life being your mate. Of how you need to be aware of it, love it, treat it right. Then there is the route of what a blessing it is to be given this life by God and how we are responsible for making it the best we can with His teachings. Yet both of those still deal with the reality that upon turning 30 I suddenly heard a loud knock. I don't even think it was on my birthday, I think it was in the weeks following that I started to discover my lease on life will one day expire. In college, setting a goal for 10 years out sounded responsible, now it sounds like an excuse. Is 30 going to be the age of wondering why I didn't do things sooner and wondering if I still have enough time to pull them off? Will it be the decade where I beat myself up? Will I be afraid that blowing into my sail will get me lost at sea instead of exploring the other side of the world?

"It's your life you idiot, where have you been?"

Where have I been? I've been growing. I've been discovering myself. I've learned how to go into the world and seek new experiences. I've learned to deal with heartache and loss, I've learned to share joys and love. I've set goals. I've met goals. I've watched roadblocks form and tested out my shocks. I've laughed myself into crows feet. I've stayed up all night just to go to breakfast. I've learned to trust friends. I've discovered my judgemental side. I've found my faith. I've lost my faith. I've found my faith. I've walked on a blanket of snow. I've created. I've feared. I've flourished. I've fallen, and I've had friends catch me.

Still, how did it sneak up on me? 30 years.

"It's your life you idiot, where have you been?"

I realize sometimes that I'm my own worst enemy. I'm my mental demons. I'm my fear. I'm a reflection of what I am afraid of. Right now I'm afraid of closing the door. I'm afraid of not letting life in, of telling it "I'll be right down" and then falling asleep on the couch. This summer and early fall has been about transition. The transition is almost over. I can sense it. Windows are closing, different doors are opening, and behind one of them is my life. Will I let it in?

Sometimes I just need to sit with my thoughts. To remember how I got here. To look at the journey. To recognize the growth. I often wish Grandma Barber still walked this earth and was around to teach. What would her words be for me? I know she would speak slowly. Her words would be kind and deliberate, yet challenging. Grace would eminate from soul; her eyes would show the sincerity from which her heart spoke and I would be comforted by her belief in my journey.

It looks like this attempt to sound profound has turned into ramblings,as most of my writings do. Clarity comes in drips.

September 11th

2004-09-11T09:56:00.000-04:00

It's 9/11 today. Again. This year it is far away. Maybe 3 years is the 'magic' number when the heart begins to heal and the scar begins to toughen. Or maybe I'm too caught up in my own life to give 9/11 and its victims and families their rightful home in my daily life. Nothing has changed me or the country more in the past 3 years than 9/11. All the debates of Swift Boat and National Guard come back to this date. The death toll in Iraq comes back to this date. Newsweek has an article from 12/31/2001 entitled, "Next Up: Saddam" Bush's administration has consistently made claims that Al Qaeda has ties to Saddam's regime. The article states, "Despite the tough talk, the administration has barely begun to grapple with the challenge of taking out Saddam" We now know that both of those claims are false.

I have done the thing which I fear history will also do. We will not give the families and victims of 9/11 ample time or space in our collective memories. They will be pushed aside to debate the American involvement in Iraq. Iraq brings us back to this date. The question is, did they bring us to it?

9/11 was a date of hate raged against the US. A day plotted out for years in the bunkers of Afghanistan and its moves calculated within the walls of our own country. It was predominately done by Saudis and funded by Saudis, yet Newsweek did not ponder, "Next Up: Saudi Arabia." I guess the Bush administration took the theory of "hit em where they ain't".

But again that brings me back to today. 9/11/04. It's a sunny day in my city. A beautiful fall day as it was in NYC three years ago. People have filtered into the downtown area, some have taken their respective places in the high rises that dot our skyline. The trains are running in rhythm, the cabs are honking, the people are walking, and no one is looking up. It's always a good day when no one is looking up.

MSNBC is running a piece entitled "We know 'how', but who'll ask 'why'?". Isn't that the question we should have started asking 3 years ago. Who will ask why? Who will have the courage and strength to dig deeper than it may be comfortable to go? And when? B/c in short enough time it will be 9/11 today. Again.

RNC 2004

2004-08-31T21:15:00.000-04:00

A fan of politics, I am. Speaking like Yoda, I also am.

This itinerary came across "my desk" today. I thought I'd post it here ONLY after watching two nights of the RNC. It appears that some of this is a little bit, how you say, spot on. There has been a lot of prayer, a lot of saluting themselves for preemptive war, and reminding us that it is ok to sacrifice people for freedom, but not want to put money into the people to make sure the freedom counts. "People for government not government for people" HUH? How does that work? Anyway just posting to post. I have to say Barbara and Jenna did GREAT. V. funny. Rudy was amazing and McCain was consistent. If only the republicans had been strong enough to nominate a real leader in these times. A Rudy/John ticket would run away with the nation. Hey what's with all the "John"s and running for POTUS or VPOTUS? Oh and I wish they'd stop taking credit for Lincoln. Money has it (let's make that a 5 spot) that Abe would NOT be associating himself with the republican ticket. The republicans keep looking to the history when we need to focus more on our future. Meanwhile here is a bit of humor for the politicos out there who enjoy the humor that politics can and do bring. However, we do need to keep an eye to this race, stay educated and make the right decision for Americans both home and serving over seas.

Republican National Convention Schedule
New York, NY

6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell

6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance

6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)

6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing

6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment

7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong

7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries

7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it's what's for dinner

8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next

8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Cheney

8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children

8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)

8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future

9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "I Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"

9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong

9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires

9:30 PM Break for secret meetings

10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas1

0:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy

10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho

10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark deer-in-headlights stare

10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt

10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans

10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong

10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nation's economy

11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata

11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: the dangerous new cult

11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Cheney again

11:35 PM Blame Clinton

11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies

11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself

12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

And the planes roared on..

2004-08-22T16:38:00.000-04:00

It was the Air and Water Show in Chicago this weekend. The Blue Angels were flying about showing off their might that help raise the testosterone levels of the entire city. Fear not...no other city could kick our ass this weekend. (Proof: The Bears won handily over San Fran) I get the same "can't help but giggle" feeling watching the planes as I do when I'm sitting in the first car at the top of the Magnum. It is a mixture of rush and joy that finds its release in giggles. However, I did find myself doing a fair share of fist pumping this weekend too. I found myself talking to my friend as if she was the Goose to my Maverick. I think she grew tired of it faster than I did. Of course that could be due to the fact that she knew the fate of Goose. However, she can ride my tail anytime. Yet I digress and with a sense of comedy that soon will turn to tragedy. The vrrooom of the jets swooshing in and out of buildings and around my skyline made me pause to think about the people of Iraq. What sensations did they feel when the sound of the jets was upon their city? I imagine they didn't run to their balcony to view the show, as I had. As much as I had anticipated hearing the birds, I imagined they prayed to Allah for quiet to encompass their cities. So much joy was brought to Chicago this weekend by 6 planes playing over our lake. How much terror have we brought to Iraq? This isn't an attempt to become an anti war post. I can hear the arguments of September 11th nipping in my ears. But then too we can think of how the site of own commercial jets became a site of horror for our own nation. I had mentioned to a friend yesterday that I hope people had taken a second to think about how the same sounds and sights that could lift us to giggles were the sounds and sights that sent others to tears. Sometimes its just important to acknowledge. Today in church, my minister made a quick statement with the same sentiment. He was watching people set up camp at North Beach this morning wishing for people to feel the rush through the eyes of others. We'll have to wait another year to see the jets scream across our sky. I wonder how long the Iraqis will have to wait to have them leave theirs.

Is the grass really greener?

2004-08-20T12:58:00.000-04:00

Kage asked me to write a piece on whether or not the grass is always greener. We have a friendship that stretches back 25 years and one that has taken as many different roads as were offered. The age of 30 finds us two totally different places in our lives, yet never closer in our friendship.

Kage is into her second marriage, she has three amazing kids and all the joys and difficulties that go with both. 30 finds her with the most responsibility she has ever had in her life. Finances are the subject of many conversations and daily prayers. Family is continuing to shift as her parents divorced, moved and she was welcomed into a family through marriage. She is a proud home owner and a wonderful home maker.

I've lived my dream up to this point. Graduated from the UofM, moved to Chicago, bought my dream condo, joined an improv troupe, and working on my writing. It's everything I would have wanted 10 years ago. A friend asked me this week, "What do you want that you can't afford?" I didn't have an answer. Thinking about it I seem to have everything that I want, except a job. I lost my job in May and have been struggling with all that comes with that. Money suddenly became a factor in my life again, and not having someone to hold my hand through this has been harder than I had imagined it'd be. My confidence has never been more shaken, I have never feared so much for my future.

Kage's life of husband and kids often feels like what my heart is seeking. While my nights of uninterrupted quiet and long baths speak to her. How can our two worlds be so different and feel so uncomfortable to the person wearing them? Wouldn't it be nice, if like in a computer, we were allowed to change skins from time to time? Would wearing the worry and effort of a mom and wife make me realize that my job search was easier than my mental demons tell me? Would my skin of shyness and loneliness make Kage itch to get back to the laughs and cries that regularly fill her home?

Her ear, her friendship and her love are some of the most important things in my life. I wonder if we'd mean as much to each other if we were walking the same human journey? There is joy knowing that I can go to her house and be devoured by kids, and I'm sure relief knowing that when she needs quiet, my home is always open. Although our walks are different I think we both realize that they are the human journey and it is our spiritual journey that binds our friendship. So is the grass always greener? Maybe. Maybe not. But it's nice knowing you can take your shoes off from time to time and run in the other's yard. And its important to remember that there isn't any grass in heaven, there will just be love and encouragement - and somehow we've managed to have that down here on earth.

Feel Good ..(Gee Thanks)

2004-08-17T15:10:00.000-04:00

I have a friend who is sick. "Fading fast" as she puts it. Her voice is sounding more heavy, her conversation more frequently interrupted with coughs. We've all been at that point when we know we are getting sick and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it. That feeling is horrible. It could possibly be worse than the actual illness itself. The only thing more annoying than getting sick is the reaction that people give. It's the "feel better" or "get well" blurbs that people throw at you that make you want to vomit. I know it's habit and most people probably think it to be some type of common courtesy. However, when I'm sick , throw your common courtesy out the window and bring me some Nyquil and cranberry juice. Please take note, that's Nyquil and cranberry juice.

As I just hung up with her I did the ol "feel better" bit to her. It was completely out of habit, yet annoying to me all the same. I could almost hear the argument in her voice as she thought, "I don't need your common courtesy, I need to get the Dr." Yet she didn't say it, as we never do. It's always greet it with a "Thanks" or "Ok." However, I'm betting most of us are neither thankful or ok, just wishing to get the well wisher off the phone so that we can wallow in our misery. And yet, for the record, I do hope she feels better.

The question of the Kage

2004-08-17T10:04:00.000-04:00

Have you ever considered Vo Tech?

What's your take on natural Childbirth?

When did you last jump through hoops to accopmplish something?

What is your greatest joy?

When I say Red you say....?

Do you think Wondero knows her ex boytoy tried to kill us once?

Dear Poochie

2004-08-16T21:47:00.000-04:00

August 16th

I'm bored. I think Welch is better friends with Kage.

Dear Lord....Please tell

2004-08-16T21:46:00.000-04:00

Jenni that her redrum joke wasn't funny and to punish her you aren't into reading her notebook today.

The Job Hunt?

2004-08-16T18:10:00.000-04:00

I'm convinced it has been harder to get a job because I've approached this like the 'job hunt' they say it is. Hunting is hit or miss. You find your prey, you take aim and you shoot. With a bit of skill and a lot of luck you either hit it and reap its rewards or you miss and think of excuses on how the big one got away. Such is life in the job hunt. What I'm learning through this process is that we need to think of this more as a "Job Garden" Gardening requires skill and patience. It requires planning and nurturing. If given proper attention and care a garden will reap wonderful results. I'm learning so will the job hunt. Networking is your top soil, people are your roots. A phone call and a follow up provide the watering and care necessary to make the opportunities grow. Once the opportunities begin to show themselves you still need to care for them. Giving them the proper support needed to reach maturation. And although I'm still learning how to properly job garden, it has been fun learning the process and understanding that I'll enjoy the blooms more knowing they were worked for.

I'm sure there are those that have luck with the hunt and I'm sure there are those who will proclaim they do not have a green thumb. I, however, am one who is learning that in order to stop and smell the roses they must first be planted.

Shuffle Up and Deal

2004-08-15T18:36:00.000-04:00

I've been addicted to cards since the time I was a freshman at the UofM. Euchre was the original game of choice. "And then there were four" was a mantra at our apartments over the years. The Singaporeans brought us "Big 2". Soon there were games going on at least 20 hours a day.

Recently my love affair for cards has turned to Texas Hold Em. It's all over the tele and many of my friends are also getting into this game.

It's time to start an ongoing poker night and master this game as we've attempted to master the rest. And one day, I'm sure there will be cards in the Olympics and I'll wear my gold medals for Euchre and Big 2 proudly.

Fear

2004-08-15T08:31:00.001-04:00

Today I have to leave my shyness at the door. I have to put all my fears behind me and move forward. I don't know where the shyness stems from. I can't understand how it has such a hold on me, but I know it is one of my biggest challenges in life. Normally my fears deal with failing or not trying. The shyness fear resonates deep within my core and I've yet to figure out what its purpose is. I like to tell myself it is a safety valve. But I think it ends up harming me more than helping. So today I will face my fear. Thankfully it will be done in the confines of my church and I guess there is no better place to face your demons than God's house. Wth Him all things are possible. Even for the shy.

Hey Hey We're Krap Kao

2004-08-15T00:39:00.000-04:00

Hello Kids!

Improv love fest on Wednesday August 25th. Check it out. It should be FANTAST!

Necessary Evil

2004-08-14T14:44:00.000-04:00

The "BLOG" - Yick. For months this has been a phrase that easily turns my tummy. However, I'm sure "turns my tummy" doesn't do much for most. During the recent Democratic convention, I was thrown off by Chris Matthews hardball selling of his blog. And then today, in a moment of playing with a music list, my own blog was born. I'm not sure what will become of this, however, I do hope that we can refer to it as a Web Log, since those two words are short enough that they really don't need to be combined.

Although, let's admit it, I am a big fan of creative wording.

With this, my first entry, I offer up my own Web Log.

Humor Me - and hopefully, I'll humor you.

Good Tunes for a fall like Summer Day

2004-08-14T12:56:00.000-04:00

RHAPSODY Link

2004-08-14T12:53:00.000-04:00

Hello. I'm London. I'll be leading your tour. You can try to Humor Me, however, I'm French. Ok. I'm not French, but I do like cheese.